bindifry's itty bitty brain basket

love this blog but i'm moving out

2010-07-11T08:50:00.001-05:00

dear readers-

because blogspot has been causing me much unwanted stress-it has been difficult to impossible to use lately- i have decided to move to wordpress. i am keeping this entire blog up because it's well over 500 posts, but will no longer be posting here. the new blog will have the exact same title and can be found at

http://bfibbb.wordpress.com
bindi fry's itty bitty brain basket

it will be networked on facebook & will show up on your page when posts arrive.
those not on facebook with me can just go to the new addy.

this makes me sad because i've used blogspot for many years. i currently have 3 blogs here on blogspot

http://bindifry.blogspot.com
bindifry's itty bitty brainbasket

http://yogatokyo.blogspot.com
adventures in tokyo

http://indiadreams.blogspot.com
adventures in india

my food blog,

http://bindifry.wordpress.com
a taste of the fry

which i started on wordpress, has never given me a single problem. i really don't know why. it's possible that mac/safari is more compatible with wordpress & blogspot is better used with pc/explorer? no one has given me any answers. anyone experience this or know anything about it?

i hope to see you at my new diggs.

bf
bindi fry

i finish things.

2010-07-08T16:33:00.000-05:00

the moment i woke up this morning everything became clear. i was feeling unsure about committing to another vipassana course for reasons stated in my previous blog post.

i confirmed because, like clint eastwood said in "gran torino"

i finish things.

it's true. i signed up a couple of months ago already. i had been longing to return, (it's been 1.5 years). i was making excuses because i remember how difficult it was. there were times i wanted to flee in terror. the pain. the very unpleasant memories surfacing from the depths of my loins. stuff i would rather not remember.
the teacher was right when i asked him why my fingers were paralyzed after only 40 hours of meditating. and when they would get back to normal. his response

"maybe 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months or 5 years"

it took 6 months.

this morning i remembered how powerful it was. how much i learned. how much my mind has changed. i realize that one course is only the beginning.

i often think about anicca and relate it to many things in my life.

all things must pass
all things must pass away.

i see s.n. goenka's face in my mind & remember

"may all beings be happy"

i'm an old student now, which has it's privileges. the definition of "old student" is someone who has completed a 10 day course. we are allowed to take shorter courses. this one's a 3-day.
this time dinner is herbal tea without milk, sleeping on the floor, & not being able to be decorated-meaning no jewelry. i'm cool with all of the above except i have never taken out my nose ring since i got it my first trip to india 7 years ago. there's no gem in it. i hope i can keep it in. toe rings that have not been removed in a long time. i suppose those can go. i get my own room, too.

the only thing that can stop me from this is if i can not cover my classes.

buddha willing i can.

bindifry's vipassana experience january 2009

life must go on

2010-07-07T08:34:00.001-05:00

21 grams refers to the cultural meme propagated by the 1907 research of physician Dr. Duncan MacDougall which purported to show scientific proof of the existence of the immortal human soul by recording a small loss of body weight (representing the departure of the soul) immediately following death.-wiki-

it's also the title of a 7 year old film i had never seen until 4 days ago. i watched it immediately before sleeping & woke up crying all morning. it affected me deeply & still does today (i cry as i write this). i don't really know why except part of it has to do with organ donation. kate, our yogi pal who recently passed, had been waiting for a liver for many years. another friend is waiting for bone marrow. i used to think that it was unethical to give away our organs. unnatural. i mean, if god intended us to just keep replacing body parts, wouldn't we all have been born as robots? that is one theory. however, this film & knowing others who need blood, eyes, organs, etc. makes me think differently about it. it's something we all must make a choice about now-before we die because if we wait too long, it is too late.

this film, was was directed by mexican film maker Alejandro González Iñárritu who also did another excellent & profound film amores perros-another film that took me a long time to shake off. it has an unbelievable cast-sean penn, benicio del torro & a STANDOUT performance by naomi watts. the entire film is out of order. it takes patience to figure out what the connection of these 3 characters will be.

penn, almost dead, waits in a hospital for a heart. del torro, a converted christian x-petty theif trying to get his life "right" accidently runs over watt's husband & 2 young children. penn receives watt's husband's heart. penn hires a detective to find out where the heart came from. that brings him together with watts & del torro. then comes revenge, love, devistation & salvation.

i don't want to reveal any more because i think everyone should watch this. i already spoiled it for a friend because i just can't stop talking about it.
or thinking about it.

it's about people trying to do the right thing. it's about death. it's about life.

life must go on.

all 21 grams of it.

yogaspeak, meditation & GUITARS

2010-07-06T08:00:00.001-05:00

2 of my favorite guitar players were under one roof on saturday. this is john mooney who learned delta style blues from son house and combines it with the new orleans second line. i think he is one of the greatest living slide guitar players. i have blogged about him before. i never miss him if i'm in new orleans or if we are lucky to have him come to chicago. i guess he was added last to the festival. he was on the finale of treme. a lot of people do not know about him. that's how new orleans musicians are. they are pretty much known by the locals, by lovers of nola or europe. he finally has a website you can go to above. he's been at it over 30 years.

dave alvin, who is exactly the same age as john (55) and a scorpio like me, is the other one. i've seen him play with "the knitters" several times (basically X without billy zoom, who he replaced in X when billy left) playing country & rockabilly, "the guilty women" an all girl country band & finally the blasters with his brother phil, who is an awesome front man. i got all gussied up which kind of proved a bit disastrous. i decided to pull out my 4 inch vinyl black & white wedgies (so i could see over the crowds cause i'm short) & put on {{{gasp}}} some eye makeup, which i haven't done in over 20 years. i still had the same makeup from back then & low & behold, now i have an eye infection! i deserve it. AND my vintage shoes decided to melt in half as soon as i got to the festival. thank god the colonel suggested keeping the ugly sandals in the car "just in case" those tall shoes would begin to hurt a few hours into the show. so i ended up looking like a red-eyed slob. oh well. the fantasy is all in my head anyhow so i guess it serves me right.

*****************************************
yoga

i am trying to make an effort with yoga speak. just because i know most of you could give 2 shits about the music & other stuff i write about. i have, after being away from classes for over 2 years, started practicing with old friends once a week who are also teachers. i did not think i ever wanted or needed to do that again, & part of the reason is that i am extremely sensitive to the group in which i participate. although i can tollerate anything, many thing's i would rather not. the group is "invite only" for a reason. i have never felt like i have fit in anywhere i have taught except my original yoga studio, which i still call by it's old name N.U. chicago yoga center. this group is composed of other's who i've known for 14 years-since i began doing yoga. & they all come from N.U., which was here in chicago long before the other ones. even though i ran the mysore programs 6 days a week at 3 other studios, i never felt a community bond with it. i always felt like an outsider. that's just my personality, which is why there are so many studios to choose from. if you are trying to find a studio to learn in, the most important thing is not location. it's how comfortable you feel. because yoga is very personal & if you share it with others, they better be the right people. the energy gets more important as time goes on because the longer you do yoga, the more sensitive you become. you can pick up on very subtle things & absorb them.

*****************************************
meditation dilemma
the last thing is this. i am a firm believer in following ONE path-for yoga, obviously it's always been astanga. i have not picked between 2 forms of meditation & i have 3 days to figure that one out. do i go back to my vipassana (i have to take off 5 days in august for another silent retreat) or do i return to my original method-the japanese zen buddhist meditation. both are great, one is more accessible. meaning there is a good place nearby that has been highly recommended by friends whose opinions i respect-ancient dragon zen gate. in vipassana, they strongly discourage mixing techniques. i can not go to a zen temple & use my vipassana technique. or vice-versa. i'm really not sure what to do.

can any kind soul out there give me some constructive advice? i know ultimately it's my decision, but it IS hard to meditate alone ALL of the time, which i would not have to do if i choose to switch back to the zen technique. nor would i have to take off 5 days of work. however, being on a farm away from home in a silent environment meditating 10 hours a day is highly effective.

i'm hoping the answer will come to me in some kind of sign.

i plan on dying here

2010-07-02T18:23:00.008-05:00

i don't always go early to shows but i had heard that the opening band david vandervelde was supposed to be really good. he used to play with jay bennet from wilco. a simple trio, they had tons of chemistry & he plays guitar in a totally unique way. i actually liked them better than the headliner, who i bought tickets for months ago because it was important for me to see them. lucky for me i was there early because again i staked out my spot close enough to touch the stage-no one in front of me. i love being that close even if the sound isn't as good. the energy, if it is good & special, kind of feeds me & i leave my body for an hour or so. i also like to watch their technique closely.

the headline band was black mountain -a heavy psychedelic band i have missed twice before.

they rocked pretty hard & i like the guitar player. he changed a string & tuned up without ever stopping playing. even the colonel was impressed. here's his pedal board

we got friendly with 3 people who also were heavily guarding their front & center we-can-touch-them spaces. with good reason. they drove 13 hours from tulsa, oklahoma to see black mountain. one was a tattoo artist who gave me his card because obviously i need more tattoos. so we decided to take them to the hippest bar in the city not far from their hotel-delilahs. this bar is #1 in bourbon, cool dark atmosphere, vintage b-movies, pool table, great djs & a wonderful selection of beer. and what did they drink?

pbr.

they drove home today. how crazy is that? unfortunately my camera is on it's last leg & it's hard for me to get good photos that aren't blurry. here's a crappy photo of 2 of them

i guess some people love black mountain more than i do. i'm trying to think who i would drive 26 hours in 2 days to see. probably somebody you would have to dig up.

i'm very jaded living in one of the greatest cities in the US.

i was born in downtown chicago. on madison avenue.

i plan on dying here.

i'm turning japanese i really think so....

2010-06-30T16:31:00.008-05:00

spending so much time in asia has made me extremely foot conscious. it has become normal for me to remove my shoes before entering ANYONE'S home. i also scrub them before teaching so as not to offend anyone with dirt. one of my teachers washed their feet in bleach. i was surprised that was shared. it made them "human." and definitely made me laugh. i'm sure i would not feel this way had i not spent so many years in asia. the japanese are the cleanest damn people i've ever taught. they smelled like flowers, their feet were always perfectly cleaned & the studio had natural cleaning fluid so everyone wiped down their mat before & after practicing. where i work people crumple their mats up all sweaty like a used piece of tissue. gross. no wonder there's a lack of respect for yoga here.

at kate's memorial i immediately removed my footwear. a child ran up to me & squealed with delight.

"you are the only person who has taken their shoes off before entering!"

then he danced around the house. hmmm. because the house was gorgeous lined with kashmiri rugs i was NOT going to put my shoes on those. i have a couple & know about silk.

i was always completely blown away when people would come to my mysore class with black feet & not showered. it's an enclosed space. me & everyone else can smell you. wash your ass. i even would refer to some students when discussing them as "dirty feet girl" or "dirty butt boy."
really, people. everyone CAN smell you. & it's gross.

another asian thing i've started doing is sweeping out my floors in the morning every day. i notice indians do it, why do i only clean my house once a week? it should be done every day. it reduces stress for me. clutter & dust is not good for the soul. i also only sit on the floor when possible because chairs hurt my spine & hips. & i sleep on the floor because i loathe beds. also very japanese.

i'm turning japanese oh yes i'm turning japanese i really think so.....

*************************************************************************

then i started thinking about this yoga thing-someone commented on my last post

"more yoga please"

there you go. the main thing that has been central to me & my personal yoga world as of late is pranayama 1-2 times daily, 20 minutes each sitting. morning & dusk. i NEED that. it grounds me. i would rather do that & meditate than do asana. but i try to squeeze it all in without stressing about it all. so far, so good.

thing is this. after 14 years of daily practice, the siddhis begin to activate. google it if you don't know what i am talking about.

anyhow, i realize that if your yamas & niyamas are not in place, that power is difficult to harness. i might have to become a veg again after all.

this probably sounds ethereal, but if you are serious about yoga, surely you are aware of patanjali's "yoga sutras."

read one of the later books (book 5) & it discusses a fascinating subject-siddhi. i used to read all about them when i first started doing yoga. it seemed so mystical to me. now it's part of my life.

on another note, i was just telling the colonel how proud i am to have achieved convincing 3 of my corporate classes to practice mysore style. of course everyone freaks out at first but once it starts going, thats what they want to do. they can get a lot more individual attention, they get empowered. i tell them

"now you don't need me anymore"

to that my tuesday class replied

"but we love you"

i cried a little. privately. that was a very nice thing to say to me.

i try to empower all my students to learn the sequencing-just the salutations & standing postures. some inversions. because i never ever wanted to help people & make them dependent on me like chiropractors do.

i want to help people help themselves.
that empowers me.

private dance

2010-06-29T21:25:00.011-05:00

i don't know what to write about lately. or even what the point of writing is. why? why do i share private thoughts with perfect strangers? allow myself to be judged? misunderstood? what does this do for me?

i'm a bit creeped out that i just put my shit out there without too much self editing. and i'm shy in person.

i think about that sometimes. blogging is a strange thing.

i have always loved writing. and what is the point of writing if no one reads what you write? it's like playing music on your futon. i have more fun sharing music with others, both playing with & for.

or dancing alone.

there's NOTHING wrong with that. i have very serious bollywood routines memorized that few will be allowed to participate in or view. HOWEVER i would WAY rather have a partner to dance with. ahh...my salsa days are very fond memories.

i don't want to cook a killer meal & eat it alone.

the point is this. if it can not be shared, it is not as much fun.

enjoy this clip. it's my private dance.
and probably more than a billion other's too.

on top of a train the film is called dil se (from the heart) starring shahrukh khan
& manisha koirala 2 of india's finest. this a.r. rahman song is pure CLASSIC.

जिनके सर हो इश्क़ की छांव
पावों के नीचे जन्नत होगी
चल छैयां छैयां, छैयां छैयां,
छैयां छैयां, छैयां छैयां
गुलपोश कभी इतरायें कहीं,
मह्के तो नज़र आ जाये कहीं
तावीज़ बनाके पहनूं उसे,
आयत की तरह मिल जाये कहीं

Chaiyya Chaiyya-(walk in shade)

Whose head is in the shade of love, heaven is under his feet.
Walk in the shade, remain in the shade,
remain in the shade, remain in the shade.
The flower-wearer walks around self-assured, I can spot him by the scent,
I can wear him like an amulet, sometime I encounter him as a hymn.

Like the songs of Mirabai or works of several sufi poets, this song is dvayashraya kavya, it can be interpreted in two ways; as a worldly love song, or a song for the beloved lord. -wiki-

do you feel the energy?

2010-06-25T19:35:00.006-05:00

i went to see raavan yesterday alone . until satya cacananda made a surprise showing. she's about the only one aside from the colonel who will sit through 2-4 hour bollywood filums with me.
we were the only ones at the 2pm showing. the theatre did not bother to put on any air conditioner for us. so it kind of felt like india. she brought samosas. such a treat, because that's what you eat during intermission at a bollywood film in india. or pineapple upside down cake. or chai.

i could not stop thinking about the filum all day. because it was a modern day version of ramayana which is funny because i spent a lot of time laughing at poor abishek who can't act, which makes me feel like he is adopted by his famous dad amitabh who is one of the best ever. & being annoyed with the constant matrix style stop action & slow motion falling & fight scenes. they watch too many american blockbuster action movies & think all that crap makes a film better. unfortunately most bollywood films being made today are total crap. but i watch anyhow because it's the easiest way to teleport back to india without physically going there. i had to pull out my copy of "the ramayana" because i need to read it again. there are so many layers to it & having it re-created many times given the bolly treatment, it just makes me think. a lot. it's an amazing story that is woven in the lives of all hindu people. i saw live performances in bali of their version with the same story but different names for the characters. bali is the only place in indonesia that is almost all hindu. i went there as a preparation for india. cushy india-indonesia. when we pulled into the airport, the first sign i saw was ,

POSSESSION OF ILLEGAL DRUGS IS PUNISHABLE BY DEATH.

we also were not admitted until we paid off the police. because the colonel's passport did not have 6 months left on it.
then we lost the camera. got our room, & immediately invaded by wild monkeys who stole our complimentary basket of fruit.

despite all of that, bali IS a cushion compared to india. so i do recommend going there first if you were like me-afraid to go to india. i'm not anymore. i crave that place terribly & it kind of pisses me off.
cause i don't have the means to keep returning.

i wedged this 3 hour film in between teaching 2 yoga classes, then rode through rush hour with a tsunami of humans crossing the street like cattle because of all the stuff going on in chicago this week. i heard bones crack & people gasping. a woman had been crushed between 2 cars. almost late for the 3rd class & a bit freaked by the traffic, i accidentally taught too quickly. which is not a good idea seeing there is a huge amount of wild energy with the full moon & the half eclipse tomorrow. i'm definitely having a little issue with it.

then to summerdance, which is a place by the lakefront in a garden that has an hour dance lesson & then hosts a band from another country. yesterday it was from syria & everyone came out with their belly dancing belts. omar souleyman . all free! every kind of person, lots of kids happily running around flowers & playing with chalk, & perfect strangers dancing with each other. i felt so happy being in the middle of it all.

are you feeling this wild & crazy energy?

10,000 opportunities

2010-06-23T09:10:00.003-05:00

so much to reflect on lately. much of it has to do with how i feel about myself as a person, & how it reflects how i feel about other people. my entire life i've been shy, sometimes fearful of people. i experienced anxiety in crowds of more than 3. this continues to happen, although i've actually been working on my social skills a little bit more lately. now that i'm middle aged i realize that change does not just knock on your door. you have to meet it half way. i also have a strong belief that

god helps those who help themselves.

the reason i believe this is because every time i have made a conscious decision to do something, do the work & work my ass off, god has met me half way & helped me out. the place i end up often is not the "goal." sometimes it's SO much greater than i could have ever imagined. sometimes it's SO much worse than i could have ever imagined.

i'm trying to stop "imagining" the outcome of anything anymore. all i can do is the work.

life presents, as a good friend said so well yesterday, at least 10,000 opportunities a day to make a choice. those choices add up. a friendly gesture, the decision NOT to ride the bike in the thunderstorm, the decision TO ride the bike in the thunderstorm. the choice to complain about every single freakin' thing (these people are exhausting). the choice to give a fin to a homeless person who probably would rather not have to sit on the ground unbathed for days hungry, maybe drunk (i know i would be) wailing for some change.
some say this-

"why should i give him anything? all he will do is buy liquor."

those who say that to me are ass-hats. when you give, it's gone. none of your damn business what happens to that sawbuck.
(i love the old american money slang)
of course there's the choice of what we put inside of our bodies. the choice to change our lives when we are unhappy.

there's the rub. are we REALLY supposed to be happy?

many of us are chasing that. can't help it. it's like chocolate. feeling good is what the big goal is.

but is it really? i mean, i learn FAR more & change for the better FAR more when "bad" things happen. when i am angry & own it. when i am heartbroken. pissed off. confused.

and devistated.

chasing happiness leads to despair. i'm pretty convinced of this. meditation has taught me to learn to ride the middle path.

try not to revel in too much joy & happiness
try not to wallow in too much despair
just notice these things & be neutral. the ups & downs are SO jarring on the mind. which affect the body.

sounds like a good idea in theory. but just TRY to put it into practice.

i dare you.

some humans that i ♥ ♥ ♥

2010-06-20T16:38:00.003-05:00

we all express our love differently. i have a hard time receiving love. so of course it's hard for me to give. not wanting to psycho-analyze this, i just felt like sharing with you some of those "special" people who are rare, like kate, & who i love & am inspired by.

derek is from nola. he's a musician who played with the iguanas for many years. i love being around him.

siva, my computer saavy pal from kovalam. adore him. now he has his own computer kiosk.

michiko from kyoto, japan. i taught her in thailand. she met her husband in japan, had a child & followed him to thailand. he recently left her for a thai woman. she is now hard to contact because i don't know where she is. my heart is heavy for her.

nagraj (i cal him raj) from kovalam. i don't need to explain this one. everyone loves him. it's contagious.

mindy. she moved back to tokyo after living here 14 years. i love her & miss her very much.

KATSU! like the male japanese kate. lovelovelovelovelove him & miss him TERRIBLY.

cara & guruji. i've known cara since the beginning of my yoga journey. she helped me on my path & still is a friend. guruji was love personified. it was impossible NOT to love him SO much.

the machine. because i had someone to practice yoga with every morning at 5am. it was impossible for me to be lazy cause he never was. i shared everything i ever knew about yoga with him. i used to call him my yoga husband. but those days are gone.

doris. she is human enough for me. i can not live without her.

kelly. i taught her in several studios for years. i enjoyed photographing her with child. it was my pleasure.

sharaf. also from kovalam. we had some serious fun. india is packed with wonderful humans. unfortunately he tried to get a little too friendly. oh well. i still have great memories.

ania-a math genius from russia. fell through the cracks repeatedly but kept coming back to mysore class & ended up taking it further than most anyone i have met. she is a huge inspiration.

the colonel eating durian when i was studying in bali. i suppose we wouldn't still be together for 17 years, you know?

my oldest & best friend jill who is rick bayless' sommalier. she is about to get signed for her own tv show. she's been on rick's already. woo hoo!

tina from byron bay, australia. my house in oz (i studied 3 months with dena kingsberg in australia) was close to her hawaiian restaurant. she always cheered me up because i got lonely so much. she lost her restaurant & had to move back to hawaii.

rosie. i met her in thailand. she went to india right afterwards. a true pure spirit, which is extremely common for thai people.

my family in thailand. they own the spa i worked for. every single one was in mysore classes except the boy. i love them.

ALL my students in tokyo.

my mother in law. that's a tough one because of my personal family issues i've written about in the past. but i do love her.

dave & his daughter iilly. i played in dhamba8 with him for many many years. he is a bass player. he was the best man at my wedding. he inspires me so much. he is not afraid of anything. i learned from him that i should NEVER be afrad to screw up LOUDLY. i'm a better drummer after following that advice. he's also the best father i have ever known. and a damn good cook.

adam. accomplished artist & teacher at the art institute of chicago. i taught him & his wife yoga for 2 years in exchange for 2 paintings. he is super rad, happy ass, & really fun. oh, he also plays a mean guitar.

joe. also an acomplished musician, he plays with the royal pines. he is very sweet to hang out with. i'm not sure he knows how fond i am of him.

DAVE ALVIN!!! i told him i loved him when i met him a month ago playing with the knitters. he thought i was an ass-hat. however, i can make up for it by cooing over him on the fourth of july at fitzgeralds when he plays with THE BLASTERS!!!!!

johnny vidocovich!!! he taught me (along with zigaboo) how to play second line drums with his educational vids. i am not afraid to talk to him when i'm in new orleans. very approachable man. he even played with fess!!!

THIS one i'm still working on.

streetwalkin' cheetah with a ♥ full of napalm

2010-06-18T15:49:00.007-05:00

after kate's memorial yesterday i went with the colonel to the whistler-a tiny cocktail bar in my neighborhood that understands, like the japanese, that ice matters. in japan they take a giant slab of ice out & carve you the perfect cube for your particular drink. anyhow, we got to talking about what song (s) we would like played at our memorial service. kate chose "you can't always get what you want," and jimmy cliff's, "many rivers to cross" which makes sense. she had lots of jamacian friends & the stones appropriate. like me, she liked iggy pop. kate was a self-described

streetwalkin' cheetah with a heart full of napalm.

"search & destroy" (in case you are iggy ignorant)

I'm a street walking cheetah
with a heart full of napalm
I'm a runaway son of the nuclear A-bomb
I am a world's forgotten boy
The one who searches and destroys
Honey gotta help me please
Somebody gotta save my soul
Baby detonates for me
Look out honey, 'cause I'm using technology !
Ain't got time to make no apology
Soul radiation in the dead of night
Love in the middle of a fire fight
Honey gotta strike me blind
Somebody gotta save my soul
Baby penetrates my mind
And I'm the world's forgotten boy
The one who's searchin', searchin' to destroy
And honey I'm the world's forgotten boy
The one who's searchin', searchin' to destroy
Forgotten boy, forgotten boy
Forgotten boy said
hey forgotten boy

most excellent.

now i see the connection.

too fucking bad because iggy & the stooges are coming to the absolute shit-hole vintage "aragon ballroom" in august. the place back in the day that served beer in giant bowls. the acoustics are crap.

perfect.

she loved X & i tried to drag her out to see "the knitters" without luck. another friend tried to drag her out to see "the buzzcocks" the same week.

would the punk music have helped?

we will never know.

back to the point of this post. what song would YOU like played at your funeral?

the first song that came to my mind was by arthur lee who lead one of the greatest bands in history- love .

Everybody’s gotta live
And everybody’s gonna die
Everybody’s gotta live
I think you know the reason why
Sometime they go and get so good
But then again it gets pretty rough
But when I have you in my arms baby
You know I just can’t, I just can’t get enough
Oh yeah

Everybody’s gotta live, yes they do
And everybody’s gonna die
Everybody try to have a, a good time
I think you know the reason why

I saw a blind man standing on the corner yesterday baby
He couldn’t hardly tie his shoes
But he had a harmonica and a guitar strapped around his neck
And he sure could, he sure could play the blues
Oh yeah

Everybody’s gotta live
And everybody’s gonna die
Everybody try to have a, a good time
I think you know the reason why

I feel like I’ve seen just about a, million sunsets
She said if you’re with me I’ll never go away
That’s when I stopped and I took another look at my baby
She said if you’re with me I’ll never go away
Because

Everybody’s gotta live
And everybody’s gonna die
Everybody’s gotta live
Before you know the reason why

I had a dream the other night, baby
I dreamt that I was alone
But when I woke up I took a look around myself
And I was surrounded by fifty million strong
Oh yeah
Everybody’s gotta live
And everybody’s gonna die
Everybody’s gotta live
Before you know the reason why
Yeah

i actually think this song would also have been appropriate for kate's memorial.

damnit.

it's a cold world without you kate

2010-06-16T16:47:00.005-05:00

i seem to have all kinds of feelings running through me lately. i'm just trying to accept them. no judgment. death is such an unpredictable prediction. we all know it's unavoidable but when it happens suddenly (or not) how you are going to feel is nothing you can prepare yourself for. i think it's natural for the survivors to feel like maybe they could have done something more. i feel like i should have meditated in her garden with her. i should have gotten to know her even better. she was so into hearing about others she hardly cared to talk about herself.

the classes i have taught since this happened saturday have changed. the way i teach. the way i take my time even more than ever. more snippets of wisdom. and no more music. all music is distraction. breath (and grunts as one student put it today) is much easier to harness. i think about kate when i teach. and how she did her yoga. and her enthusium & gratitude that surpassed everyone elses. i've been teaching the dreaded "center of the room" headstand more frequently. it IS changing people. joy seems to be easier to grasp. thing is this. i am a SUPER cautions teacher, as a result usually end up working deeply on the basics-mostly salutations & standing postures. and breath. that is plenty for one hour imo. navasana is a good one to put in there as well for obvious reasons. backbends & inversions are very risky, but depending on who shows up, it is possible.

i don't want to go into kate's private details. i do understand why. i'm just having a very hard time with it.
i'm pretty sure i needed her more than she needed me.
she was one of the good ones.
her spirit will live on in the hearts of all who knew her.
even when i ride past the studio i no longer teach at where kate spent most of her time, i can feel her. i have a hard time even looking at the building.

after begging repeatedly to the subs of my job i finally got my class covered so i can go to the service. which makes me sad because once again it's impossible to get people to help you out. no matter what you do for them. you can sub their classes for months & when you want one class covered, no one wants to help you. the outpouring of teacher trainee graduates is astounding yet i have to saw off my left tit to get someone to teach one freakin' class for me.

it's a cold world.
kate made it a lot more temperate when she was here.

damnit.

baptised by the fleshtones!

2010-06-14T15:00:00.008-05:00

according to their myspace page, the fleshtones are influenced by

The Fantastic Johnny C, Freddie 'Boom Boom' Cannon, the Incredible James Brown, Roy Brown, Chuck Brown, The Rev. Richard Penniman, Elvis Presley and all the Kings of rock'n'roll. Lou Costello, the Intruders, the Illusions, Eddie Cochrane, Buddy Holly, the Delfonics, Del Fuegos, Del Shannon, MC5, the Velvets, the Stooges, Louis Jordan, Rosco Gordon, the Raiders and the Wailers and the Kingsmen and the Sonics, Phast Phreddie and the Last, the Unclaimed, the Plimsouls, the Lyres and the Real Kids, the Modern Lovers, Alan Vega, Los Lobos, the Dantes, the Gentrys and the Headhunters too. Mitch Ryder, Ritchie Valens, the Osmonds, the Parliments and the Jackson Five, the Rivingtons, Donna Summer, Martha Reeves, Richard Berry, Berry Gordy, whooo... Chuck Berry and... Louielouielouielouielouielouie whooo.... come on Louie... Louielouielouielouielouielouie...

i had the pleasure of seeing them saturday. no wonder they were SO good. they can play just about anything, groove serioiusly, still have skinny rock bodies in their 50s & most of all...

they KNOW how to have fun!

playful & adorable. formed in 1976 from queens. just like the ramones. must be something in the water there.

one of the best live shows i have ever seen.

towards the end, i was lured into the eyes of peter zaremba. obeying his command, i walked to the front of the stage & he put his entire hand on my head & held it there.

i was baptized by the fleshtones.

then he used my head as a brace to jump off the stage.

me. the chosen one.

go see the fleshtones if they come around.
unless you are allergic to good clean fun.
or you don't like great music.

below is from 2010. their 30th anniversary show.

ride your pony...get on your pony & ride

and zeppelin's "communication breakdown"

missing you kate

2010-06-14T06:26:00.004-05:00

there are few people on this planet who embody total graciousness & kindness. who never show their pain no matter how much they are dealing with. who live simply.

kate maguire was of those few.

i first met her at yogaview in it's original location. she worked the desk & sometimes came to mysore class. after finding out she had been practicing yoga for 6 years & was unable to do a headstand in the center of the room, we decided to get rid of her wall once & for all. success.

she was so grateful for this that she gave me some spending money for one of my overseas trips. she insisted. then she joined me in kovalam to study with lino on my 4th trip. i got to know her better. i learned about her family, her illness, her heart. yoga was not always easy for her yet she stuck with it & accepted it for what it was. she was incredibly generous & thoughtful towards others. i was often astonished how she never seemed to feel sorry for herself.

she had a little dog named champara (shorty or chompi) who needed a wool sweater for the cold weather, so i knit one for her & a hat to match for kate in japanese yarn. chompi enjoyed his sweater a lot. he never left her side.

kate made yogaview the most beautiful studio i've ever seen. her taste & talent with flowers was unbelievable. i never got to see her garden yet we live in the same neighborhood. we were trying to schedule some buddy meditation in her rose garden but things got complicated in her life.

kate lived righteously. without any ego whatsoever. always a kind word. always listening to what you have to say. compassionate. giving. an awesome role model & inspiration to all that knew her.

and completely down to earth.

missing you kate

summer in the city

2010-06-12T11:43:00.002-05:00

i rode my bike downtown to watch the blackhawks victory parade yesterday, not really thinking much about how i was going to wedge myself into the million plus crowd. the event stretched over a mile from west to east. i cruised in from the west & rode in the street while the barricaded crowd threw confetti & applauded. felt a little weird, actually. riding & riding, i could not figure out how the hell to get out of the street & into the crowd. basically i was stuck. the cops did not care, but the crowd sure did. i tried to sit on the curb & was instantly abused by housewives & old ladies.

"OOOHHH NOOOO !!!! not THERE! YOU will NOT sit THERE."

ummm..ok, but i'm stuck inside & can't get out.

"too bad for you. but you can't sit there."

so i got on the bike & cruised a bit east until i found 2 bike dudes who were just hanging. so i asked what they were going to do.

"wait until the cops kick us out & just keep on moving from spot to spot"

so i decided to just stay with them. perhaps a few of us could work this issue out. this was 45 minutes BEFORE the parade had begun. we were nowhere near the rally. just the short parade of the team & family riding in on double decker busses.

and guess what?

we were about to be abused again, but more on a grand scale. a total ass hat puffs out his moobs to order us

"HEY-YOU JERKS GONNA MOVE?"

umm, where?

"cause my kid can't see anything"

no parade yet.

"sir, there's nothing to see"

"DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE BEEN WAITING HERE? ME & MY KIDS ARE HERE 2.5 HOURS. I'M NOT GOING TO JUST LET YOU STAND THERE IN FRONT OF MY KID"

because the 3 of us were not going to play games with this lunatic, we moved on.

"YEAH THATS RIGHT. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE"

how can you argue with that? damn. even the chicago cops were much nicer to us. they did not harass us one bit.

so i split from the boys & decided to venture back west overhearing parts of the crowd muttering

"who do those bikers think they are? do they think they can just ride right in there?"

pretty much that's what a handful of us did. but i had NO idea what to do. really. the last thing i wanted to do was be a jag & stand in front of all the little kids who did not give a crap because bikers are cool. plus we all had tattoos, which kids usually like looking at. i don't display mine boldly. i usually cover them & a few peek out. UNLESS i need to take off the long sleeves when it's time for business. (full sleeves & chest tattoos scare a lot of people) as in repeatedly abused by strangers on this 87 humid dehydrated-no bathrooms kind of situation. i had to ride past the loudmouth DAD to find somewhere to go. i was weary of pacing the crowd. and feeling shy.

yup. he had to abuse me again.

"YEAH THAT'S RIGHT. YOU GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM"

nice.

actually i came from the north west side of chicago. i'm pretty sure he came from the suburbs. using such foul language in front of his & everyone else's kids when our bike trio would not. one of the guys said to me "i'm not going to fight with that guy in front of his kids."

i guess we are just a bunch of pricks.

anyhow, i found a spot where i stopped getting abused, hung out with some very excited kids, and told the woman next to me who the players were so she knew who to photograph. a big fan obviously.

i got some nice shots because i was in the damn parade. by accident. i always end up pissing people off without intending to. what are you going to do?

time to get to work. i had to ride a few blocks through the river of humankind who were not going to part the sea to let me through. so i took off the long sleeve shirt & they let me through.

and i chuckled.
because in the end

i knew that i had won.

satyagraha—resistance to tyranny through mass civil disobedience, a philosophy firmly founded upon ahimsa or total nonviolence.

Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

to each his own

2010-06-10T08:52:00.006-05:00

the stanley cup finals were really fun. the entire city was jumping for joy together. on tuesday i walked a couple miles in the rain to the official blackhawks store so i could purchase a nice shirt. the logo is awesome & they had the best girl shirts there. one of my students who has season tickets told me where this store was. this would probably not have happened if i was still teaching in a shala. sports is a dirty word to many "yogis". it's almost weird if you teach in a cubs shirt. even most of the dudes are allergic.

to each his/her own.
but i always wonder why.

why do so many "serious" (whatever that means) yoga students who study in the shalas cut out most everything else in their lives? many will not listen to rock music anymore. many shun the carnivore & the epicurean. many do not even have an interest in film, politics or sports.

free country.
but why?
don't leave much to talk about. that is, except yoga. yoga... yoga...... yoga.................... zzzzzz......

now note that i am not saying EVERYONE, but it is very common.

there are INFINITE pockets of amazing things in this world. i have never understood why you have to give up so much of what is loved & shared by most everyone on the planet?

it would suck if i stopped going to live music shows. hell-i'm NOT missing iggy pop with the stooges at the aragon in a couple of months! and jeff beck was the best show of 2009 for gods sake. what about new orleans? plus, i play drums with loud guitars & it's about as sacred as a kirtan to me.

and sharing a meal that was lovingly cooked by a buddhist thai family who consider pork, "food of the gods"? or sitting on the floor of a south indian colonel's mansion eating a prawn based thali cooked & served by his wife? or enjoying izakaya (japanese tapas) in a private room with 30 japanese yoga students? or a CRAWFISH BOIL in NOLA???

sports is pretty great too. i'm not exactly a total fanatic, but i LOVE watching the cubs, i used to love watching the bulls, and as a teenager i LOVED hockey. my boyfriend played & sharpened blades for a living. best sport ever! fast, exciting, short, violent, & played by real men.

to each his own.

god WANTS us to enjoy these things.

that's my opinion.

but to each his/her own.

i taught all my yoga classes in that shirt. then rode my bike home, high-fiving many road construction workers as i rolled on by. today i'm going to repeat this adventure now that the blackhawks have won the stanley cup !!!!!

chicago is the best. the weather is perfect. we celebrate together tomorrow when our team returns home & have a big parade downtown at 10:30.

yogis-you don't want to miss that, do you? i'm not missing it. but then again, i refuse to refer to myself as a yogi. i'm just a chicago woman who does & teaches yoga every day. nothing more.

which reminds me of yet another snack from gwendolyn hunt. i liked her SO much i told her i wanted to put her picture on an alter & worship it.
to that she responded

"oh no, honey. i would never want THAT kind of responsibility"

touche'

this i did anyways after she died a year later.

happy

2010-06-08T07:53:00.005-05:00

no matter how you feel before or during, you ALWAYS feel better after yoga.
always.

looking people in the eye (strangers or friends) is a good habit to cultivate.

smiling goes a long way.

compliments are free & can easily make someone's day.

enjoy your day

is all i have to say.

oh...&

ride your bike instead of your car.

(｡◕‿◕｡) (｡◕‿◕｡) (｡◕‿◕｡) (｡◕‿◕｡)

in 2 weeks i get another tattoo session with my favorite artist. i'm expanding my chest piece with these designs. i like happy ink.

do your practice IS enough

2010-06-05T07:31:00.002-05:00

i'm pretty comfortable with my teaching situation since returning from my last overseas job. i quit working in studios to pursue a more steady pay situation. you see, studios generally can not pay the teachers very much. often we are paid once a month & on a per-student basis. which means we have to work hard to get students into the class. promoting myself is NOT what i enjoy.

since i taught mysore style 6 mornings a week from 7-9am for many years, this was a challenge indeed. we never win the "most popular fun yoga" trophy.

no music.
SO early
SO hard
SO strict
SAME THING each & every day
being forced to memorize the practice
forced to work on strength even more than flexibility. "do i HAVE to lift my ass off the floor????"

plus i worked with a partner in my final years. we split the door. both of our bodies falling apart from frequent strong adjustments & drop backs. all mysore teachers eventually begin to fall apart.

the last year & half i've been doing all my work downtown in corporations-mostly private. i never have to worry about how much pay i will receive because it's by the hour. the classes are half as long as teaching mysore. they are at noon & early evenings, so i have a life outside of teaching yoga. my body is no longer falling apart because i don't give aggressive adjustments anymore.

the transition was strange at first, but now i feel a lot more comfortable than when i taught in the studios. i don't feel the pressure to be a perfect yogi. i could never teach yogic philosophy. all i can do is teach the physical practice. let the chips fall from there. i'm still trying to figure out the sutras. it's a lifetime of understanding. i don't even do the chants for classes anymore. namaste is enough.

i can't teach people how to be healthy, how to find god or even if there IS a god. i wonder sometimes if we should really be looking to the yoga teacher for these answers.

but there is one thing that i am very sure of.

yoga is "99% practice, 1% theory"
-skpj-

JUST teaching the correct practice is enough. leave the rest to the REAL masters.
NOT your local yoga teacher.

pilates good :-)

2010-06-03T09:37:00.002-05:00

because i am on "lady's holiday," & destroyed by riding my bike 40 miles down the MOST AWESOME lake michigan bike lane from 7800 south to 7800 north, i took an awesome teacher's pilates class instead of doing my usual yoga. i think mat pilates is a very nice addition to yoga or any other kind of physical art. the reason being that it really works the core freakin' HARD. every single pilates teacher & hardcore student has had really beautiful abs. NOT that it's what i long for....sigh.

when i taught immediately afterwards, some of my students commented that i was standing straighter. go figure.
i would like to commit to one of these per week & keep riding that bike trail. i've gained weight & although i made peace with it, it still is a pain in the ass. a student yesterday told me she hit the big one. i asked her, like, 40? no. 50. because when i reached 40, my eyesight began to weaken at a more rapid pace both near & far sight, and my metabolism switched into low gear. i gained nearly 20 lbs in the past couple years. this woman said that it gets FAR worse at age 50.

great.

shut up & do your practice

2010-06-02T09:30:00.002-05:00

i read a handful of yoga related blogs. a common mistake is to obsess over their practices-beating themselves up if they can't practice or have to shorten it due to "life." i observe other teachers & students treating yoga like it's the most important thing in the universe. they can never live up to their expectations.

why is this? do these people ever stop & simply sit? i really feel that when you do such things to yourself, the yoga is not doing you any good. it's just adding stress. do they know that ahimsa does not only mean harming others?

i told one of my classes yesterday that you can cheapen & destroy all the good yoga can do for you by talking TOO much about it.

keep it close to you.
keep it secret.
consider meditation as yoga as well. because when the physical is not possible, you can always sit.

but sitting to most people is a waste of time. no calories burned. no flexibility worked. this leads me to believe that most people practice yoga for all of the wrong reasons. these are the same people who are busy judging the rest of us for what we eat. personally i would rather be fat than obsess constantly over calories. these are people who will ask you point blank

"what posture are you on?"

who gives a shit? someone who does ***only*** sun salutations daily can be a far more serious yogi than someone who brags about doing 3rd or 4th series.

the more i teach the more i realize that we really only need the salutations, 16 standing postures & the inversions to live a healthy life. the rest is just more stuff to get you somewhere & nowhere at the same time. don't be surprised when you "advance" with your postures only to discover it leads to permanent injury both in the body & the mind. it can also throw the ego out of whack.

what the hell is the point of that?

yoga farts

2010-05-30T07:53:00.002-05:00

farts can be funny. or they can actually ruin your class. this is why you should not eat at least 3 hours before. i have a professional farter at one of the clubs i work at. he blasts them loudly & constantly. i've lost students because of it. it's embarrassing to me. what can i do? i talked with a student about it & she brought acidophillis pills for him. i told her that if she gives them to him, that i have NOTHING to do with it. it's really not funny. it's just gross. the older i get, the more i find farts just gross. people who do not leave the room to fart or AT LEAST say, "excuse me," are gross. teachers-what would YOU do? has this happened to you? the last time this was a problem, i addressed my students, asking them to practice at home if you will be dropping stink bombs for 2 hours.
the reaction? either giggles or total anger.

i wash my hands.
i have NO answers.
do you?

deep bullshit

2010-05-25T23:12:00.003-05:00

"discover powerful ways to tap into your unshakable, inner “love muffin” "

i must be a hater

"Yoga for the Equestrian - Be inspired in the saddle. "

nuff said. how is this NOT porn?

"Belly O Yoga: explore tribal dance and all its rhythms, traveling, standing in place, scarf play and warm ups that tap into yogic tradition; breath / sound stretching and gestures of hands, eyes and body. "

ummm......what IS SCARF PLAY????

"Yoga + Chocolate
After a 2 hour flowing vinyasa yoga class set to great music (from Sinatra to The Grateful Dead), I'll lead you through a tasting of exotic Vosges chocolate truffles. The chocolate is a metaphor: Everything is sweeter in the moment."

fuck me

"Yoga + Wine
With music ranging from The Who to Erykah Badu setting the tone, I'll lead you through a 2 hour flowing vinyasa yoga class focused on aging gracefully. After class, we will enjoy Sicilian wines from the Feudo Arancio vineyards. We can all learn a thing or two about how to model the aging process after one of the few things that ages well: a bottle of wine. As John Barrymore said, "You don't age until your regrets outnumber your dreams."

fuck me

"Chocolate Chakra Tour
The chakra system teaches how to nourish the soul in order to heal the body. Sometimes the information is a bit hard to swallow. Nothing is hard to swallow when covered in chocolate. In this 2 hour deep stretch yoga experience, I'll lead you on a tour through each of the chakras. While you relax deeply in the yoga postures, you'll hear great music and inspiring stories before indulging in a flight of exotic Vosges Haut-Chocolat truffles. It'd be hard to figure a better way to spend a weekend afternoon."

fuck me

""Beautiful, Funny, Delicious
Everyday of your life, if you can experience one beautiful moment, one funny moment, and one delicious moment, you will find life so much easier to enjoy. In this 2 hour flowing vinyasa yoga experience, I'll remind that beauty, laughter, and delicious treats are all you need to create a profound and unforgettable moment. After class, we will enjoy exotic olives and cheeses especially chosen by Pollyanna Forster of Eat, Drink, Dish in Vail, Colorado."

fuck me

"Illuminating Practices
Isaiah 6:8
I don’t know Naoki very well. I don’t know his favorite food or where he works or what kind of car he drives or if he even owns a car. And yet, I know something about...
Calling, hearing
Asana: Fish Pose/Matsyasana

1 Corinthians 12
“Your body has many parts—limbs, organs, cells—but no matter how many parts you can name, you're still one body. It's exactly the same with Christ. Each of us is now a part of...
body, hearing, unity
Asana: Garland Pose (Malasana) "

clever

before you go

visit

deep bullshit

my path.

2010-05-25T09:25:00.002-05:00

i can't help but be a bit annoyed by some of the e-mails i receive from total strangers who have read my cover article for yoga chicago the ups & downs of teaching in foreign countries (it came out november 2008 & i'm still receiving mail). i've had half a dozen people ask me how they can also do this. the kicker is that they have not even taught yoga yet. but they are in love with yoga & in love with travel.

so am i.

but i can be realistic about it because i know the facts. here are a few

-i can not get you a job in china.

-you pay your own airfare.
for japan, i paid $1400. for thailand, about the same. i broke even. and did not work at home for half a year. i don't come from wealth.

-it's horribly lonely.

-teaching with a language barrier can be difficult.

-it's damn hard work.
in japan i ran a mysore program 6 days a week. i got up at 4am & took the trains, which resemble a spiderweb. i was also required to do workshops & teach some led classes. in thailand, 6 days a week, i did the same thing but also had to return at night to teach again. talk about burnout. i also had to get around the only way possible in phuket-on a motorbike. the work ethic is different in asia. trust me.

-NO ONE will hire you if you do not have any experience teaching already. get a few years of daily yoga practice underneath your belt, teach a few years & then rethink the entire scenario. i'm just saying......if doing this was SO glam & easy, wouldn't we all be doing it?

will i ever teach overseas again? i don't know. i suppose it depends on where my life goes, how burned out i get. i am not good at setting goals. i just sort of roll. i'm not actively seeking it. it would be awesome to return to japan just for pleasure. but it's very expensive.

teaching overseas was never in the BIG plan. just part of the path.

my path.

mind over matter

2010-05-23T09:11:00.003-05:00

all or nothing is a bad way to go through life.
but it can make it dramatic. it's better than being dead. because if you do not feed your mind, it dies. i know so many people that just stop learning. willful ignorant. if you do not continue to take on fresh challenges, your spirit dies. i know so many people who refuse to even take a week vacation in a year. the idea of visiting a country in another continent or even changing a hairstyle is terror to some. the same goes for the body. that's kind of where i'm stuck. i want to make a change. i realize from yoga that

approaching a new venture with dread will make it dreadful.
approaching a new venture with anticipation will make it adventurous.
maybe even fun if you choose to look at it that way.
like a friendly game of war.
like yoga.

i guess i will have to keep repeating this mantra to myself. it sounds easy now, but when triggered & in the middle of the body/mind drama, not so easy to do.

it's all mind over matter.

which is why i signed up for vipassana again. but the short course because it's difficult to sub out all my classes. if you complete a 10 day, you become an "old student," which has it's benefits. you are allowed to complete the 3-day (which is really 5 days just like the long course is really 12 days).

i have some time to go in right. i've slipped & need to get back up.
should be interesting.
very interesting.

lucky butterfly

2010-05-20T10:00:00.005-05:00

a monarch butterfly has been hanging out with me in my yard while i'm practicing. i know what your thinking-how can it be the same one? it looks the same, it's size & coloring. there have never been 2. he always gravitates in the same area, surrounds me, lands & just watches. today, while going into paravita parsvokanasana, i was thinking,

it's good luck when a butterfly lands on you

at that very moment, it landed on my right bicep as i was taking the twist. i found it odd, so i just went with it, looked at it for a long while, trying not to disturb. i looked at it's legs & thought

would it be ok if this was a cockroach? i mean, they have the same legs.

of course the fact that the butterfly is pretty helps us humans accept them when they feel like sitting on your bicep.

i blew on the monarch to get him off of me. he just shuffled his stance. i wanted to get on with the yoga, so i just started twisting around & reaching over my head. he still did not move.

is this weird? i get mystical sometimes & always think that butterflies are reincarnations of the dead. i felt like i knew this butterfly.

after he flew off, he still hung around, watching the rest of my practice.

then doris sat on my prison rug (i stopped using yogitoes) next to me during meditation.

curious.

*update on post-manic intermediate practice

it took 24 hours for me to feel the effects of the previous posted practice. i definitely do NOT recommend doing that. my rotator cuff is maxed out, my right hip (the problem hip) is tweaked, my neck is sore & i have to take pain reliever. my practice was short, heavy & painful.

was it worth it?

no.

the more you practice, the more you understand

2010-05-19T09:10:00.009-05:00

yoga continues to blow my mind. yesterday i broke almost all the rules. i've always been a very traditional practitioner.
these have been my rules for over a decade.

-no practicing first 3 days of ladies holiday (i still follow this one)
-no practicing on saturdays (i still follow this one)
-no practicing on moondays (i used to but lately i forget more)

-no practicing right after eating (unless you enjoy nausea)
-no practicing at night (because the body is too open & you can hurt yourself by stretching too far)
-no practicing full intermediate series until working through it gradually, one pose at a time attached at the end of primary (i stopped intermediate for about a year for various reasons)
-no SKIPPING POSTURES !!! (since i'm totally immersed in my private practice that i do outdoors (another taboo-no practicing outside without cover! right in the sun!)

someone please call the astanga police. i deserve to be thrown in yogajail.

one by one, i killed off the last 4 rules. i ate at lukes. do i need to say what i ate? ok. i'll be honest. i had 3/4 of a dipped italian beef sammie.

don't judge me. beef makes me feel strong. remember my b12 deficiancy? anyways, i did not even finish it.

then i began my practice {{{gasp}}} AT NIGHT. does 4:30 pm count? i felt like a superhuman for some reason, which makes NO sense since i was crying most of the day. another NO-NO is to do intermediate when you are crying all day. because the body is vulnerable & the yoga tweeks the nervous system. it's hard to handle those currents of energy when you are emotionally unstable.

however, those currents of energy brought me back to life. i was doing stuff i have not done for over a year, not stopping much, even putting my feet behind my head. the 7 deadly headstands were cake! i grabbed my feet in kapotasana. {{but HOW???}} something that usually takes assistance. dropovers, handstands, extremely open back.

i had NO idea what was going on, so i just rode it like a black stallion.

i will admit, however, to skipping postures. only one, though. can you guess which one?

karandavasana.

to me, that posture is a cosmic joke. because no one can do it. NO ONE! without help.
ok, ok. i know there's a few. and yes, i know one of them. because he's a machine.
i remember assisting duncan wong in that posture. he came to some of my mysore classes. it looked like he was going to give himself a hemorrhoid when he was lifting up after the fold. and he's a STRONG muthaF%43r.
there HAS to have been people who have shit themselves in this.

i suppose i have a little project to work on.

i made up for it by doing my only posture in 3rd.

i did have a hard time sleeping. because this practice keeps you "up" for hours. i thought for sure that i would be SLAMMING sore. but i got up this morning & feel just fine. better, in fact.

because it stopped the crying.
and brought optimism to my heart.
primary has an entirely different effect on me. perhaps i was avoiding what my body & mind needed the most.

in the words of gwendolyn hunt

"the more you do this practice, the more you will understand it."

there's nothing more true.

"do your practice & all is coming"

a musical revolutionary

2010-05-17T16:36:00.006-05:00

after watching the horrendous piece about the new bp oil spill on 60 minutes last night, a spark of hope in the body of 29 year old venezuelan musical prodigy gustavo dudamel was a welcome story in a world full of grief & greed. he is SO good he could have conducted anywhere, but chose the los angeles philharmonic. why? so he could teach impoverished children in the slums how to play music. music builds discipline, confidence & keeps kids out of trouble. he has been to chicago to begin the same project, as well as baltimore & many other cities. he wants to create a positive change in the world. he has been doing it in venezuela for years. he is passionate & powerful & i'm very sure he is making the world a better place. the story brought tears. not bp oil spill tears either.

the video clip below is his high school students in venezuela. 35 years ago, el sistema was created. gustavo comes from this program funded almost entirely by the venezuelan government. say what you want about chavez. he's got some priorities in place & its a beautiful thing. our big powerful country has something to learn. i'm so happy we are embracing this program.

when he comes to town, i am laying down the cash. and i don't even like classical music very much. something tells me it is not going to matter.

gustavo is intoxicating.

full story on 60 minutes

creature of habit

2010-05-13T15:02:00.006-05:00

i read recently about life routines. that if you don't change up your routine (habits) sometimes, your brain starts to rot. yesterday i skipped yoga practice in lieu of a pilates class with nazha-a cool morrocan woman who lost 100 lbs. my body is slowly resembling the buddha. it's clear that metabolism really changes when you age & it's also clear that when you are older you have to work twice as hard & eat twice as less as you used to if you want to rid yourself of some fatty beasties. kind of like when you go to college & don't really know how to feed yourself so most of us gain 10 lbs. the first year. i did by eating starch laden orange colored dorm food & unlimited boxes of crunch n' munch. i had to become an aerobics instructor in order to get lean. and it was hard work back then. ugh. riding a bike 20 miles a day & 2 hours of yoga is not enough.

anyways, i was all set to start shrinking my core when someone stepped in & announced that nazha was in the hospital. so a personal trainer took over the class. she kept on calling nazha a "he" even when we kept correcting her.

so i left to burn 400 calories on the elliptical to the tunes of "the epoxies."

changing your routine stimulates your brain & creativity. it brings fresh inspiration. do something new weekly. try something different. stay up late. get up early. eat a new cuisine. take a different route. set your yoga mat up in a new place.

does the idea of breaking a daily habit freak you out?

the new sacred cow?

2010-05-12T15:11:00.005-05:00

often my students turn yoga-serious & begin to search elsewhere for training. yesterday she said if she worked at the studio, that she would get $800 off of the teacher training.

{{{gasp}}}

"how much does is the total cost?"

"$3400"

{{{GASP}}}

"you can go to india for that much!"

seriously. FAR more bang for the buck. you can take $3400 & stay in india for 4 months & return to earth with the best yoga & life experience ever in your life. it's not that i'm trying to talk her out of it. i just think teacher trainings are seriously overrated. i took 3, which were all helpful but did not make me the teacher that i am today. that came from the months spent doing my practice every day in india & many other places.

and i NEVER spent $3400 on a teacher training.

my first one was $1200. - 3 months with suddha weixler (general yoga) one has to take his training in order to teach for him.
my second one was $1200 - a week with tim miller (astanga training)-VERY helpful
my third one was $1200 - 3 weeks mysore teacher's cocoon with dena kingsberg - also VERY helpful

how can a yoga studio owner justify this kind of charge? why do people pay this without batting an eye? dosen't anyone question the person teaching the course?
if they charged $10,000, would they still pay without hesitation?
do you have any idea how long one has to teach in order to pay that off? especially a new teacher?

don't ask.

this student thinks that she gets a job after paying her $3400. after all, what kind of certification do you get practicing in india?
she asked me.
she might be right-she might get a job at the studio. but where will all the other 50 graduates teach?

i'm thinking the yoga teaching world is about to get ugly. and damn crowded.

meh.

there's a new kid in town

2010-05-08T08:48:00.004-05:00

i am in LOVE ♥ ♥ ♥ with the new kid in town- starlin castro ! last night this barely 20 year old cutie pie (bearing a striking resemblance to rudy) stepped up to bat for the first time in the major leagues & drove in a triple! but wait-there's more. he did it again! making history. this has never happened before in the history of baseball. in addition to being an unbelievable hitter, he runs as fast as a cheetah & throws even faster.

if you have never cared or have gotten bored with the cubs, this is the year to watch. if only to watch "the kid," make history.

yoga IS for everyone

2010-05-03T06:50:00.006-05:00

i began yoga when i was 31. i will be 45 this year. the more i do it, the less i have to say about it. which is why this blog is not really a "yoga" blog anymore. i simply have run out of observations to share. OR i feel a lot more private about my practice. it kind of feels like "kiss-and-tell," if i share with you my recent thoughts. i have had a couple lately.

-i used to hear my teacher's voices in my head when i practice. now i hear my own voice. it's actually a bit more strict & to-the-point. i feel i must practice what i preach.

-i do not feel the need to push myself beyond limits anymore because i find that there is no good reason to do so. yoga is never ending & should never be goal oriented.

-i feel slightly annoyed when yoga turns people into narcissists

-i definitely feel annoyed when people gossip about other people's practices, whether astounding or stiff.

-i'm SO tired of all of the yoga path wars

-i'm SO tired of people insisting that yoga is supposed to be a spiritual path. and that it is there so you can serve god. i believe one does not need to even believe in god to benefit from yoga.

-i used to think that practicing yoga once a week was a waste of time. lately i have students who have done that for years & their bodies have clearly benefited.

-pranayama & meditation are FAR more interesting & powerful to me.

-yoga clubs/groups can easily be elitist & competitive. i'm much happier practicing alone in silence, in private.

-i still think that if one really wants to understand yoga, they should spend some time in india. ESPECIALLY if you are going to pass it on to other people. ESPECIALLY if you are going to take money for your services.

-one does NOT have to follow the 8 limbs or it's shit out the window. i know LOTS of people who practice only one limb-asana-and change remarkably. the yamas & the niyamas are completely open to interpretation.

-one does NOT need to be a vegetarian to be a yogi. most bodies do not function 100% on a vegan/veggie/raw food diet. i would know since i was all of those things at one time. i spent at least 6-12 weeks a year (14 years) getting sick, feeling un-grounded & afraid to eat anything that i did not cook myself.

-yoga does NOT necessarily turn one into a kind person. often the opposite is true. yoga is POWERFUL & will illuminate the real you. so if you are an ass-hat, you turn into a royal jack-ass-hat. i know lots of 3rd+ series people who are not nicer because of their advancement. go to mysore and see how you are treated by many of these "higher ups." i remember a famous 5th series teacher who had a public hissy fit in the middle of the ayri shala because we put our mats in HER spot. i had no idea anyone owned places on the floor.

which makes me think of this. STOP getting attached to your spot on the floor. do yourself a favor & set up somewhere different each day. i can't tell you how often i watch students lose their minds because someone is set up in their "spot." these are people of every age range! c'mon people-we're supposed to be mature when we reach a certain age.

-so many yoga teachers get dangerously caught up in the jesus syndrom. they begin to believe that they are actually responsible for turning their flock (their students) into little gods. beware when your teacher takes on names like "shakti", "siva," "ananda," and "lakshmi." especially when they return from a short 1-month trip to india, speaking like guruji, "why dancing?" "you do!" you know-broken english. grrrrr......

yoga IS for EVERYONE.

yoga is what you want it to be. go to it with an open heart & a compassionate mind. and remember. it's easy to get caught up in the MAYA of it all.

practice at your own risk.

kitty's revenge

2010-05-01T11:16:00.003-05:00

a friend posted this. it was filmed in turkey. apparently a kitty was hit by a car & her male feline pal tried to revive her. you can see him trying to get air into her by kneading on her chest & breathing into her mouth. he did not let humans near her for 2 hours. i'm not sure if she made it.

this made me think of this story of a hospice cat that predicts patient's deaths .
the cat had perfect intuition. she knew when someone was hours away from their death. she would go to the patient & lay on them until they passed.

this was helpful for the patient's family. it gave the staff enough time to gather the family to the bedside for their final farewells.

cats used to be worshipped by the egyptians. now they are taken for granted & even hated.
i'm kind of wondering when they will get their revenge.

todd's johnson

2010-04-18T08:33:00.003-05:00

the colonel & i went to see todd rundgren friday nite. he is just someone we go see when he is in town. we don't really think about it. when todd's here, we simply buy the tickets. i have seen him more times than anyone else-maybe 10. the colonel has seen him over 30 times. he is always great because he never stops exploring new territory. every show is completely different. the biggest & most loyal fans live here. in chicago. he appreciates that fact & put on a 2 1/2 hour non-stop show in a very small venue-the cubby bear north-in lincolnshire outside of chicago. it's very rare that i can get a decent photo at a show but because we were so close to him, i got a few ok shots-some with "foamy," his beautiful green tele, & some with the new member of the todd family, "butters," his new blond friend.

this show was called "todd rundgren's johnson," because it was dedicated to robert johnson -the most influential blues artist who lived only 27 years & wrote only 30 songs. instead of trying to play like him, todd tributed the english rock musicians who have done his songs-the stones, zeppelin, cream, clapton & so many more. i never thought i could listen to "sweet home chicago," ever again without throwing up but todd played it differently, something he obviously understands. i came to appreciate the song once again.

watching todd top his last show-he played the entire album, "a wizard, a true star," complete with costume changes-had me thinking about age again. he is almost 62. jeff beck is 66. one of my very favorite yoga teachers was 74, doing the 3rd series of ashtanga. i have it on dvd. the other 2 are over 60. i have always seeked out older yoga teachers. they are the best because they have life experience. they have experienced the body changing. a 26 year old yoga teacher can NEVER comprehend that. many of my best yoga students are 65, 60, 62....the greatest living musicians are usually 60+ years old. the ones who have recently passed played right up to the very end, often their greatest shows. r.i.p. eddie bo. snooks eaglin. ernie k-doe.

age definitely has it's advantages. provided you don't die in your 30s & 40s yet still continue to breathe.

todd is FAR more than "bang on the drum all day," & "hello it's me."
he produced many of the most important albums for artists like new york dolls, badfinger, grand funk railroad, hall & oates, meat loaf, patti smith, shaun cassidy, the tubes, xtc, bad religion, cheap trick, the psychedelic furs, the band and many others. i couldn't even tell you how many albums or songs he has written in his 3 bands. i'm still discovering him. it's a lifetime of material. you should also begin the todd journey. NOBODY on this planet writes a better ballad.

he fronted "the cars," for the 2008 tour, which i saw & was BLOWN AWAY. todd was better than the original singer.

todd's official site

one.thing.at.a.time.

2010-04-16T15:31:00.007-05:00

the more i advance in age the more i settle into a natural part of my personality. the anti multi tasker. i really relish one thing at a time. which is why i will never own an iphone or blackberry. everyone around me can walk through red lights while checking emails, listening to the ipod or the music coming out of the hand-held device. people can juggle eating with driving with scheduling appointments on the hand held possibly in a diaper taking their daily shit all in one 15 minute window.

i can't even watch tv while i am on a computer. or listen to music. if i'm writing, i have to have silence. if i'm listening to music, i can't have the tv on. i can, however, cook for hours with music playing. i can not do yoga with music. i can not understand why other people around me do not feel the same way. i get SO overstimulated with all the multi-tasking. it simply stresses me out.

even when people are exercising in a club. there is loud horrible music blaring. hundreds of plasma televisions everywhere including personal tvs on every single exercise machine. plasmas even in the bathrooms!! people all are connected to their ipods on top of this, possibly with their hand-helds texting, on the internet or gaming. all at the same time as exercising.

how is this a good thing? what the hell are we doing to our brains?

the best brain food i have ever eaten was my 10 day vipassana course (to which i am due for a second this year). not speaking & meditating for so many days sharpened my brain intensely & also my need for silence. and my craving to perform only one task at a time. enjoying the moment uncomplicated. in it's pure form.

this i crave.

and i wait quietly when more & more people begin to crave the same thing. i really feel like a change is coming. because it's out of control. people will lose their connection to themselves. and get lost.
there is a way out.

"multitasking muddles brains"-wired science

66 is the new 40

2010-04-14T20:42:00.003-05:00

i'm slightly obsessed with jeff beck . it's been an issue since i saw him last summer. i don't even necessarily like the journey he takes but he is just SO freakin' good i don't really care what he feels like doing. i am convinced, that since snooks eaglin is no longer alive that beck is quite possibly the greatest living guitar player.

at 66 years young, a vegetarian most of his life, a whole head of thick hair, & looking as good as ever, he makes me feel comfortable at 44. jeff beck is stupid hot.

YOU-the OWNER'S manual

2010-04-09T18:21:00.005-05:00

the same student who hipped me on to the ume paste told me to buy this book. i'm really glad because i'm kind of absorbing it up like a sponge. every body myth is de-mystified in a language everyone can understand. you really have to be assertive & learn about your own body. my recent hospital scare made me realize we can not even depend on doctors to heal us. the fact that the nurse had NO idea what the B-12 shot she gave me was supposed to do (she looked it up on the computer & then told me it was for the immune system which is not true at all) and all the crap i was fed in the hospital by an alleged "nutritionist" (turkey on white bread, canned cling peaches, weak coffee with hydrogenated vegetable oil (coffee mate), a western omelet, fried potatoes) and the horrific advice of telling me to eat red meat & salt without telling me why & what other choices that could be better.

after perusing through only a few pages, i already know that

-the liver can rebuild itself.
-spending an hour with smokers is equal to you smoking 4 cigarettes.
-people in the UK have bad teeth for a reason. gum disease. dentistry is not covered by english insurance.
-you should replace your pillows a few times a year & wash the pillow cases weekly. dust mites poop & it causes respiratory problems.
-deep breathing, using the diaphragm to push out the excess air, is one of the best things humans can do for themselves.
-eating liver is a pretty bad idea. its completely full of toxins. and very high in b-12! gee, doc. should i eat this too???
-yoga is a smart idea. this book actually shows a diagram of surya namaskar (sun salutation)
-never insert anything larger than the elbow into your ear
-if you eat a little fat (like some peanut butter) before each meal, you will be full for hours.

who knew adding fat can help you lose weight?

it would be a smart move for you to add this book to your library. it's informative & a fascinating read.

it's under $20 for hardcover & also available on kindle.

you-the owner's manual

doyle bramhall II-yoga man

2010-04-07T16:12:00.006-05:00

a few years ago i taught mysore classes downtown in the gold coast. occasionally someone famous would be in class. gwenyth paltrow & her husband for instance-(she told me she recently had a baby when i went to give her a baddha konasana adjustment) i asked her how "apple" was since the entire universe knew all about it.

anyhow, this tall young handsome man came & i just HAD to know what the tattoo was on his arm. it was my way of flirting cause he was stupid cute. he was a little embarassed & told me it was lightnin' hopkins. i thought that was cool. he HAD to be a guitar player. so i taught him & hoped to see him again some time. he was very nice. afterwards i found out that eric clapton was in town. my student doyle bramhall II was playing guitar with him. of course he was far too humble to mention that.

the next time i saw him was on television. he plays a right hand guitar upside down in his left hand. that's always cool.

you can take lessons from him on youtube. or just watch him. and look at him. and remember when you adjusted his trikonasana.

oops. that last one is my own personal memory :-)

this vid is nice because he talks about how he learned & who he learned from. you can watch his technique. it's pretty sweet. his favorite person to play for is his daugter.

♥ ♥ ♥

the members of my band, who have man crushes on doyle, love hearing that story over & over again.

a cheeseburger a day keeps the doctor away

2010-04-02T09:54:00.003-05:00

it's very easy to take life for granted. for instance, i was walking doris tuesday morning when suddenly i was being scraped off the sidewalk where i had decided to take a face-down pavement nap. the woman who woke me was far more freaked out then i was. i thought she had gotten into my bedroom because i had no idea what just happened. i am the total opposite of the hypochondriac. i simply walked back home in a sweat, tried to do some yoga (but almost fainted again during parsvakonasana) then went downtown to teach a full load of classes. the whole day feeling like a zombie. i tried lots of water. an orange. a salty meal. nothing. then a doctor in my last class took my vitals & strongly encouraged me to go to the e.r. for a look. in cases where you faint without warning, they like to watch your heart, blood & brain. 6 hours after i arrived i was being checked into a private room on the 15th floor. hooked up to an e.k.g. for 15 hours, i was given a cat scan, 5 blood tests, 3 urine tests, constant vital sign checks & an i.v. bag full of saline. i also could not use the bathroom or get out of bed without an alarm going off to alert a nurse, which began to drive me MAD. i lost my shit in the middle of the nite & went off on the nurse. i guess i was a little stressed. all i wanted to do was SLEEP. that's not a priority in the hospital. you get woken up every 30 minutes for something. the worse was getting woken at 6:30 am to get served a most disgusting brekkie-a western omelet with cold cubed fried potatoes, canned cling peaches (is it still 1950 for western medical nutrition???) and weak coffee with fake cream (uggh). what kind of sense does this make? first of all, my first REAL meal does not usually happen until around 3pm. i wake, have coffee, do yoga, ride the bike downtown, teach some classes, have a smoothie somewhere in between all this. i like to EASE into food.

after all of this fuss, the diagnosis?

eat more red meat & salt.

then they gave me a vitamin B-12 shot, which had an immediate energizing effect.

of course the nurse was nowhere to be found when i wanted to get the hell out of there. she left my i.v. needle in my arm for hours without anything connecting it, which is stupid uncomfortable. you can't bend your arm! (this is what set off alarms and caused me to lose my mind). SO i looked at it, started to unpeel the tapes that attached it (because i remember 38 years ago being in the hospital when the nurse snuck up on 6 year old bindi & RIPPED the tape off of my arm. this hurt FAR more than getting cut up & stuck with needles). times have changed. the tape was more humane. i thought about it & decided to pull that sucker out myself. DAMN! it was a rubber needle that went almost 2 inches into my vein! that's pretty cool. rubber needles! i washed it & then went to the 6 e.k.g. monitors on my chest with the transistor radio sized device connected to a little front pocket in the gown i was wearing. SO heavy it pulled open & exposed my right nipple. how attractive. i just can't believe they would make me sit for 3 hours with this stuff attached to me. when the stupid nurse finally arrived, (she took over the other nurses shift) i told her i did her work for her & she was surprised. idiot. then gave the b-12 shot. so i asked her what b-12 was for. lucky there was a computer next to her because she had to look it up.

how pathetic.

SO. apparently i have the body of a vegan. totally oxygenated, good brain function, blood & good heart. there's really nothing major to worry about. all of my problems are borderline. yet enough to make me faint. go figure.

-low blood pressre
-low salt
-low vitamin b-12
-dehydration

it all makes sense. because i have dry skin, tend not to eat salt, tend not to ever drink enough water, have dry scalp & skin, never eat fried or fast food, don't always have enough energy, tend to have depression, and flighty nervous system. all these things can be improved by adding vitamin B-12, drinking lots of water (coconut water would be a good idea since the hospital said to drink gatorade-that will NEVER happen. ) perhaps the low blood pressure will improve as a result of these changes & i will be leaping & bounding this spring.

***********************************

SO...what are the best foods to eat if you need a healthy dose of B-12?

1. clams, oysters, mussels
can you say "gumbo"? or, "me thinks i should go to new orleans for therapy"

2. liver
i only recently discovered the joy of foie gras. although a big step for this x-veg, it does have great flavor & texture. & a little goes a long way. (don't flog me yogis)

3. caviar
a sprinkle of roe never hurt anyone

4. octopus
TAKOYAKI. that's all i can say.

5. fish
also tons of the omegas. the best are the fatty ones-mackerel, herring, salmon, tuna, cod, sardines, trout. that's a japanese OR eastern euro diet. no problem!

6. crab & lobster
ummmm......YES!

7.BEEF
you know, it took years for me to eat red meat. and more time to really enjoy & feel ok with it. i was a vegetarian for many years, also a fruitarian & a raw foodist. when coming back to animal consuming, this was one of the last frontiers. that is, until i've recently discovered that i really like lamb & duck.

8. lamb
because i made my own shepherds pie. it smelled AWFUL cooking. but 2 days later i got the courage to taste it. and i haven't turned back. lamb is AWESOME!

9. cheese
i am not a pizza lover. or a lover of cheese. i can easily live without it. but cheese is something you can share with friends along with wine & pork belly/pates/homemade sausages like in a charcutterie platter. i am starting to be very fond of the triple creams & the varieties of blues out there.

10. eggs
honestly...eggs as the main course is not something i choose. they make me feel sick. however, i think they are great on a burger, on a salad, in asian soups, with rice-used to flavor & improve texture. the japanese like to mix raw egg into natto (fermented soy beans). they understand how to use the egg better than i do. their omelet is shaped like a maki roll-a tube of egg with some kind of filling rolled up & packed in a lunch box.

****************************

i was in the hospital for 17 hours. when i got out, i felt like i had been in prison for a month. hospitals are not pleasant places to be. the 15th floor means you can't ever open a window. there is something claustrophobic about that. everyone is crammed in together, people are moaning. machines going off. seriously depressing. i feel really bad for people who have to spend a lot of time there. or worse-who, like my dad, have to take their last breath in there.

felting-the art of shrinking & manipulating fiber

2010-03-31T18:06:00.007-05:00

felting is the art of shrinking & manipulating wool fibers. i've been in a knitting slump lately because i got frustrated with the grid patterns. i promised a hat for serena -my tattoo artist-months ago but did not like how it turned out. i tend to knit lots of big floppy hats & she wanted more of a skull cap.

problem solved!

here is the hat before & after

a student gave me her entire stash of yarn, needles & books last year & in it was the felting book. i had no idea that animal fibers could be manipulated just like clay. the technique is simple but takes loads of patience. it can be done by machine but i chose to do it sitting in my yard.

what you need

2 large bowls
soap (i use lush liquid sonic death monkey)
hot water
cold water
patience

so what you do is start massaging & rubbing the garment in many different directions in the hot water. occasionally dip it into the cold bath & back into the hot. this shocks the fibers & makes them felt quicker. i kept a pot of boiling water to keep my water hot. this took about an hour. but since it was in the 60s & i had just been released from the hospital, it was a welcome task. i have finally found something that combines the knit with fiber hand shaping. the fibers reminded me of clay on a pottery wheel & it gave me great satisfaction.

i immediately knit another hat to felt today in between teaching.

this technique goes far beyond hats. because of the stiff & durable quality, you can make toys, coasters, tea cozys.. anything you want! i need a good set of pot holders so i'm using up my leftover handspun. SO easy-knit a square, felt it, done!

or even better, a myriad of mushrooms !
(click on link for free pattern!)

UME-a tart gift from japan

2010-03-29T07:48:00.004-05:00

i often have students that want to boost my health. they bring me all kinds of supplements encouraging me to take better care of myself. because i'm 44, the ladies who are looking out for me are usually in their 50s & 60s, in GREAT shape & very inspiring to an aging woman like myself. it takes me awhile to take the hint, and this time it worked. because my student (an artist/teacher/psychic with a brilliant mind) brought me a sample of ume -you know, like umeboshi but without the salt & 30 times the strength.

when i lived in japan, my digestive system worked the best ever in my life. i would share the bowel movement thrill with the colonel-something i hardly talk about as i find the subject EXTREMELY tacky. seaweed, rice, steamed veggies, fermented EVERYTHING, fresh raw fish, soy & ume are make up the japanese diet. all these foods provide maximum energy & benefit without tearing down the body. the american diet is heavy on wheat & wheat is hard on the digestive system. we also have lots of food made from dairy, which is tasty but not optimal in the diet. i could go on & on.

a member of the plum family, ume is not really a plum as we know it. it's a japanese apricot. it's VERY tart. it takes only pea size amount of the paste dissolved in a cup of warm water to flavor & delight. it turns the water a purple-red color. it tastes wonderful-but only in small amounts. i ate it stuffed inside of onigiri-the japanese rice sammie wrapped in nori so easy to carry, eat & enjoy. there would be just a little dab in the center of the rice. like buried treasure.

some benefits of ume

-it is an alkaline food, which cleans the blood & revitalises the body
-combined with rice, is a key remedy for colds & flu
-the catechin acid increases saliva, thus assisting digestion
-the pyric acid helps liver function
-cures atheletes foot & ringworms
-boosts energy in atheletes (the samurai have eaten it for centuries in battle)
-holds a hormone which combats aging

oh, and it tastes really yummy!

you can purchase it here

okamotos

2010-03-24T01:12:00.007-05:00

it does not happen very often but once in awhile my jaw simply drops to the floor & i laugh uncontrollably throughout the entire performance.

it happened tonight.

from shinjuku :-)

okamotos are the best band i have seen in many years.

definitely one of the best

ever.

mick jagger
john entwistle
mitch mitchell
rhythm guitar-no lead necessary.

if you are unable to view the vid, just go to their myspace page & watch some over there.

the grateful alive

2010-03-17T09:42:00.007-05:00

i was thinking while riding to the south loop yesterday (20+miles) that things could definitely be worse. first of all, i am stoked to be able to ride my relatively new bike every day to work for the past couple of weeks. i'm not a winter rider because i don't have the gear or the insanity so when the weather breaks, it's pretty exciting. ESPECIALLY because of the new wheels.

the bicycle has been my primary source of transportation all of my life. when the weather allows, i see no better option. it needs little upkeep, no gas so it's free, it does not pollute, it's pretty easy & free to park it, it is GREAT exercise, but most of all,
it is SO much fun.
nothing makes me feel more free.
and happy to be alive.

grateful alive.

speaking of which, this recent new moon really has sparked my energy. i felt a strong urge to do daily affirmations & also ask my yoga classes to think of one thing they are grateful for & just hold it close to the heart. it gets your day off on a positive note which makes it more difficult to get angry, sad or frustrated throughout the day. and less likely to destroy someone elses.

what is the first thing that pops into your head when asked

"at this very moment, what are you grateful for?"

for me, often the answer is yoga. especially when being hatched from the savasana shell.

but right now i have to say i am grateful for life.

i feel more aware of living when i do yoga, which makes my life better.
i feel that by showing others how to do the yoga, they too can have a better life.
so i feel a sense of purpose.
i feel lucky this is the way i make my living.
my life is better than the 20 years i waited tables. my body, mind & soul were beginning to rot.

music is now back in my life. i got through the initial gig, i purchased new sticks, a new practice pad which i use each day, new drum keys. i study my rehearsals, which are obsessively taped by our bass player. i will study the gig this weekend. i listen to my old "starball" steve albini recordings & think..."not bad. not bad at all."
music is growing like a garden in my soul. i feel so much joy having it back after so many years (10 years!)
i had no idea how much i missed it.

so......what are YOU grateful for?

moony, earl, zig & mr. black

2010-03-15T07:50:00.012-05:00

without even getting into the years of afro-cuban percussion gods & all the stuff i went through to play congas, bongos & percussion in salsa bands, i thought i would focus on the drum kit part of the journey. i promise to detail the other stuff in a future blog for those who give a crap.

keith moon was my first influence. however, it's totally impossible to study or copy him. the only thing we can hope to absorb from him is his energy, (although completely drug & alcohol fueled) fearless spirit & sense of humor. and the fact that he never played anything the same twice. of course it made me feel great if people would say that i reminded them of him. it was ok to be sloppy if the energy was correct.

then i began a steady diet of new orleans drummers. i bought all of earl palmer 's instructional vids & studied them. earl played with professor longhair, fats domino, little richard & hundreds of others. he is in the rock & roll hall of fame. i remember purchasing them at the music factory in nola. the clerk told me,

"oh-you don't want to buy those tapes. they are instructional tapes to learn drums."

geee...i wonder why he thought I was making some kind of mistake. i could have been buying them for my boyfriend???

i really wish people would start removing their heads from their anus.

then i became obsessed with the funky meters & went on to TRY to learn everything from my new favorite drummer zigaboo modeliste . to me, he was PERFECTION. well he still is because he still is alive & playing. i even ran into him once in a club in NOLA & was SO flabbergasted i couldn't even talk to him. how lame.

the colonel & i talked a great jazz bass player friend to do a meter's cover band just so we could learn the songs.

i'm glad, because i learned a lot about funk, new orleans second line & playing with reckless abandonment from these masters.

but nothing prepared me for james black. please take the time to listen to one of the greatest drum tracks EVER laid down. with the late great eddie bo .

i just bet you have never heard of james black. or HEARD him. now you can.

hook & sling, baby. that's what i'm talkin' bout. this recording is a P A R T Y for the soul.

bio of james black courtesy of drummerworld

Though he's little known outside of New Orleans and never recorded an album under his own name, drummer James Black was a Crescent City legend capable of performing everything from complex modernist jazz to gritty funk. An accomplished composer as well, Black had a reputation for being an irascible bandleader, intimidating with his personality just as much as his skill. Born in New Orleans on February 1, 1940, Black soaked up the city's trademark "second line" rhythms from a young age, and by the early '60s was already doing session work for the likes of Fats Domino. His main interest was jazz, however, and he played in a group with the young Ellis Marsalis on piano and Nat Perrilliat on sax. Nat Adderley (along with brother Cannonball) used all three on his 1962 session In the Bag, to which Black contributed two compositions. The following year, Marsalis cut an underrated album of modern jazz called Monkey Puzzle; this time out Black handled four of the seven compositions, including the intricate 5/4 piece "Magnolia Triangle," which ranks as perhaps his greatest work. Black went on to play with Yusef Lateef and Lionel Hampton in the mid-'60s, although his career was interrupted by a stint in the Angola State Penitentiary (during which time he actually played in a prison band with blues pianist James Booker and saxophonist Charles Neville).

In the late '60s, Black paid the bills with R&B gigs around New Orleans, and in 1968 caught on at the Scram label as a house drummer. He played on Eddie Bo's "Hook and Sling," helping to make it one of the great New Orleans funk singles, and soon took his place alongside Smokey Johnson and the Meters' Ziggy Modeliste as one of the city's top funky drummers. Meanwhile, he continued to play jazz on the side as part of Ellis Marsalis' band ELM Music Company; they took up residency at Lu and Charlie's beginning in 1972 and became local favorites. During the '70s, Black also led his own group, the James Black Ensemble, which often featured his longtime girlfriend "Sister Mary" Bonette on vocals. He attempted several times to record a full-length album, including once for the Sound of New Orleans label and another time at Allen Toussaint's studio, but the sessions never progressed beyond a few tracks. Black continued performing in New Orleans into the '80s, still playing with Ellis Marsalis (as well as Marsalis' then-teenage pupil, Harry Connick Jr.); he also served as the drummer for the 1982 Marsalis Family album Fathers and Sons. Black died of a drug overdose on August 30, 1988.

In 2002, the Night Train label assembled a compilation of mostly unreleased tracks, many from Black's aborted LP sessions; I Need Altitude: Rare and Unreleased New Orleans Jazz and Funk, 1968-1978 ran the gamut from heavy funk and psychedelic soul to soul-jazz, and featured several of the drummer's own vocals. In the spring of 2003, Ellis and Wynton Marsalis presented a program of Black compositions as part of the Jazz at Lincoln Center series.
-Biography by Steve Huey-

dart bar

2010-03-13T10:04:00.007-06:00

i made it through my first drum kit gig in 10 years. it was super fun & far from perfect. i had it in my mind that it would be perfect but perfection for me often happens unplanned. the venue was really supportive & great-we actually got paid with 3 bands on the bill! i was NOT expecting that. silvie's lounge is a very sweet venue. it's one of those wrap around bars-set up in a square so it seems like there's a bar in all 3 rooms-the main bar, the dart bar & the music room bar. the owner is a toothless old polish gentleman who buys the bands shots after the gig. whoo-jameson + chardonay = ewe.

and yes.

i DID say dart bar. yummy.

anyhoo, our bass player & sax player from dhamba 8 came out as well as joe & tracy who own provenance food & wine in our neighborhood & joe who plays with one of my very favorite local bands the royal pines as well as mark who is another favorite person on the planet who owns hardboiled records & vids in roscoe village & the drummer i replaced when i used to play with the puta-pons years ago as well as a friend who i met through the previous band from the returnables . the lead guitar/singer/creator died 5 years ago when a woman slammed her car into theirs when they were on lunch break from their jobs at shure microphones. she tried to kill herself but instead killed john glick, who was to be married to the leader of the puta-pons, doug meis, who replaced me as drummer for the puta-pons & the dials, & michael dahlquist, beloved drummer from silkworm.

3 friends

you know, when i write in this blog it really forces me to reflect.

i think that is a good thing.

but god damn.
life is certainly interesting.
thx 4 reading.

color me hip

2010-03-12T08:48:00.005-06:00

i read reviews on yelp
to determine what places to try in chicago. if you read enough of them, you can usually get a good idea whether or not you want to spend your money at a local business. these days we have to be very conscious who we choose to give our money to.

some people are excellent & balanced writers. some are vicious & power-high. some are hilarious. some are ass-kissers. some are haters.

and many can not review without stereotyping. the popular ones as of late are

hipster
trixie
yuppie
bro
jarhead
dork
douchebag

for these people, there is a slot for everyone. so i often wonder.

which hole does my peg fit into?

none of them.

that's what anyone would answer if asked the same question.

why does this happen? it goes way beyond the 7 i listed.
people are sub-categorized into race & caste.

rich fuck
ghetto
whitey
chinese (even if the person is japanese, thai, vietnamese, or filipino)
latino
ho
greaseball

i suppose i should re-phrase the question

what hole do people perceive my peg to fit in to?

all over the world people often think i am a smoker. i must fit the smoker stereotype. also a drug person. i've been asked several times where to score acid (in oz) & where to find hash (in india). some people think i ride a motorcycle,(i do well on a bike & a scooter) & that i'm into pain (hmmm...i love ashtanga & meditating for 100 hours) . and that i must be sexually crazy. in california & japan i was considered an amazon. and everywhere, (mostly when playing my drums), i might be a lesbian or at least bi-sexual.

here in chicago, of the categories above, i think i must be perceived as a "hipster." why? because i live in one of the main hipster neighborhoods (a recent phenomenon since it used to only be dry cleaners & mattress stores) & i frequent hipster establishments that non-hipsters are allergic to. like anyone really gives a shit who comes into a restaurant. if you choose to live in a city, hopefully the world around you has constant color & diversity. i would HATE hanging out somewhere where only one "type" unless that type was genuine & down to earth people.

i don't even really know what hipster means, so i consulted wikipedia

"Hipster is a slang term that first appeared in the 1940s, and was revived in the 1990s and 2000s often to describe types of young, recently-settled urban middle class adults and older teenagers with interests in non-mainstream fashion and culture, particularly alternative music, indie rock, independent film, magazines such as Vice and Clash, and websites like Pitchfork Media. In some contexts, hipsters are also referred to as scenesters."

so color me hip.

not really. because i'm too old to be hip. you can't be hip at 44. people just feel sorry for you if you try. however, if you don't give a shit what anyone thinks, then you can be free.

which makes you hip

but not necessarily a hipster.

old lady drummer

2010-03-09T08:19:00.003-06:00

in the early days when i was playing a lot of gigs i acted the tough girl. i got insulted when guys would ask to carry my kit, to help me set it up. men would jump up on stage, take my stuff & start jamming with me like they were doing me a favor.

i cringed through well intended compliments like,

"you can hit hard"

surprise

"i wasn't expecting you to...."

what. be able to actually REALLY play? keep time?

"you're great...."

do NOT say it

"for a woman"

i would get so pissed. now that i'm older it does not bother me so much. and if a man or woman wants to help me carry my stuff, i am grateful. but now they don't ask anymore !!!

cause i'm an old lady drummer.

like the old men on guitars & bass.

it's a good thing that i am well aware of the fact that age is just a number. if i don't look in the mirror for a long time i convince myself i look the same as i did 20 years ago. yoga helps with this. seriously. if you do yoga, you begin to feel comfortable inside of your body no matter what issues your body has.

i had the woman drummer discussion with the colonel recently. and often wish myself a man. that's kind of a waste of time. i whined about being judged, etc. and then i asked him if he has seen any good blogs written by women drummers.

"why not men too? you just said you don't care about that whole CHICK DRUMMER thing."

he was right!

now i have to re-think these obsessive thought patterns.

girl boner

2010-03-07T14:54:00.007-06:00

ok it's a fact. i'm still obsessing over tom sizemore .
the celebrity rehab show wrapped up this week & tom is going to be on "sober house." i was surprised. so is heidi fleiss & it looks like it's going to be explosive. tom has a horrible temper & seems to exercise it on heidi & mike starr (the bass player from "alice in chains.")

after researching him trying to figure out how he was doing (i'm rooting for him to get sober), i found a show on vh1 that documents tom's drug habit & working in hollywood. it's amazing he can get so much work with his addiction. he often speaks about not remembering acting in many of his famous films like "saving private ryan" & "heat." you can watch the whole thing online. it's pretty short. i really liked it a lot because tom insisted that it be truthful. he is not afraid to let the world see him warts & all. for all to judge. i found it to be very interesting, & i feel like i have more insight into him. does this make him more or less attractive?
well.....let's just say it makes him more human.

the research led me to his sex tape & after much deliberation, i decided to watch one 10 minute clip.
i saw his manhood immediately. a little TOO much information. i think it felt TOO intimate & i had to shut it down about 4 minutes into it. it was close up penetration pretty much, so if you're into that....
the girl's head is always cut off, which is weird. & tom is SO high & sweaty & lifeless, it's far from sexy.

have i lost my girl boner for tom?
i can't answer that.

yet.

************************************************

this came in from some of my research. it was posted in 2007. i was not the only one to notice similarites between tom sizemore & sanjay dutt.

you can watch the entire season of shooting sizemore for free online.

***************************

About Shooting Sizemore

For last 15 years, Tom Sizemore has led an A-List life, acting in critically-acclaimed films with top directors such as Steven Spielberg, Oliver Stone, and Ridley Scott. Tom enjoyed red-carpet respect everywhere he went, and his enormous success bought him a Hollywood Hills mansion and access to non--stop wild parties filled with Hollywood's hottest. But underneath the A-list glamour, Tom's life was combusting into a scandal-ridden and narcotic-riddled fireball.

Tom hit rock bottom when his methamphetamine and heroin addiction led to a burnout bankruptcy. Within a matter of months he lost his cherished mansion and was slapped with a battery charge filed by his former girlfriend "Hollywood Madam" Heidi Fleiss (a charge Tom vehemently denies). His ensuing unpredictable, chaotic behavior made him too risky to cast for Hollywood filmmakers. Virtually unemployable and off the radar, Tom began to film himself night and day, using a small handheld camera.

With unfettered access, we follow Tom and his small remaining entourage, including Luree, Tom's jaded but fiercely loyal personal assistant, and Byron, a clingy and despised "sober companion." Tom tries to put his life back together as he exits rehab, faces a hardnosed prosecutor eager to put him away for battery, and takes a job in an ultra low-budget Canadian horror movie--his first sober acting gig in years. Interspersed in the documentary footage are pointed, judicious flashbacks of Tom's own never-before-seen personal footage spanning the last few years -- filming himself on drugs, succumbing to bouts of terrifying paranoia and rage. This black-and-white, grainy handheld footage is a searingly voyeuristic look into Tom Sizemore's innermost thoughts and fears, giving the viewer a graphic visual depiction of his drug-fueled downfall.

As each setback and challenge unfolds onscreen, you will come to know a man who has a forceful determination to live again. He is a man on a mission to be accepted by his peers while he attempts to climb back to the upper echelon of his craft. Most importantly, you will be witness to all the anguish, doubts, arguments, outbursts, and blunt, honest self-reflection it takes for a celebrity to kick addiction and get their life back on track.

shake weight

2010-03-06T13:48:00.002-06:00

i can't believe this is a real commercial.

shake weight

mother's nipple

2010-03-05T17:14:00.006-06:00

hand held devices seem to be destroying the immediate social structure of the planet. my first encounter with this reality gap was during my first month in australia back in 2002. i made friends with a girl much younger than i who was a texting addict. i had never used text before, so i did not really "get" it. every time we went out together she was constantly texting. i felt like i was not even with her. i found it to be unbelievably rude. i have no idea what would be so interesting that would need to be shared all of the time.

at my birthday dinner last year i sat on a long table with strangers. the dinner was lovely, the atmosphere dark & mysterious. the only thing that sucked was all 8 other people at the table were all using their hand-held devices throughout the entire dinner. when i go out with friends, that is actually the norm. even at bars! belly up for a beer, gaze down the stools & you will see a sea of hand-helds. great. can't smoke at a bar, now you can't talk to anyone cause they are already engaged in twitter with 750 people.

why do people bother to go out together if they are constantly on the internet socializing with someone else?

on the trains more than half of humanity is on the hand-held like mother's nipple. people don't even notice one another because they are totally absorbed. if it's not a hand-held, it's an ipod or a blue tooth. i rarely see people enjoying each other's physical company. people even walk down the street without paying much attention to cars or other people. they block the exits of doorways & walk up & down stairs like zombies because they are fully engaged in the hand-held device.

you see them in museums, movie theatres, & live music shows. every one's gotta tweet & send photos as it happens. the result? you forget that you are actually AT the show!
i just love it at shopping centers. you can't get around people talking on their phones. the grocery stores. people just standing in front of the entire wall of produce unaware that anyone else is alive around them.

i'm doing the great hold-out on hand-helds. like the cd player, i waited a long time until i caved in. i don't see how my life will be better with one. the internet, texting & everything else virtual feels toxic to me. the more i use it, the more soiled i feel. i'm pretty sure i don't want that in my pocket 24/7. i don't feel the need to report every detail of my life with the rest of the world. nor do i want to vicariously live through someone elses bowel movement.

i just want to be left alone. is that so wrong?

real men

2010-03-04T07:43:00.004-06:00

i had the good fortune to see merle haggard with kris kristofferson a couple of weeks ago. we won the tickets from local college radio station wzrd & ended up with 2 seats in the second row center (worth $130) so we could see every line on their well-earned faces.

naturally the show was delightful. kris honored his pal & mentor, mostly staying on the side & letting merle be center stage. so many classic songs i had not even known were theirs. merle had his 17 year old kid playing guitar with them, who is amazing. after laying down a short ripping solo, merle states the obvious

"the apple does not fall far from the tree."

indeed.

because beyond the legendary songwriting lies one of the greatest guitar players i've ever heard. i guess merle has been using hot-shot guitarists in the past, preferring to lay low. but at this show, it was all about him. it's his tone that really makes him special. those get-in-get-out snappy solos are so exciting.

it thrills me that this art has been passed on. these legendary artists are in their 70s now. both still are as classy & sexy as ever. REAL men. you know-like robert mitchum real. rugged. manly. but with soft hearts.

i'm really hoping the trend of manly man continues.
and men return to waxing their cars instead of their chests.

new magic

2010-03-01T07:51:00.008-06:00

the colonel did a great job with this gig poster. i'm actually starting to get a little bit nervous about playing. it's been almost 10 years since i was on stage behind a kit. the drumkit was my first intrument, but i just couldn't coordinate it so i ended up learning afro-latin instruments & playing in salsa & brazillian bands. a few years after doing that, i returned to the drumkit & played in some girl bands (mostly punk/new wave & arena rock) & continued to practice. it was easier to approach now that i was pretty solid in latin rhythms, which can pretty much be applied to all styles of music.

so i'm rusty. of course it does not really matter, because we're the 4th band in a dive bar. who is going to care? me.

i was studying the drummers from the opening band i saw last night & "the soundtrack of our lives," and found myself compulsively comparing myself to them. down to the way their kit was set up (2 floor toms, ride in the center instead of the right, lots of fat crashes) and how they all hold their sticks-matchstick grip is in. so am i. i get jealous that they can hit SO hard.

and i wish time & time again that i was a man instead.

the colonel says it's not all that. but i beg to differ.

i so badly want to be invisible on stage-you know, heard but not seen.
how women used to be preferred back in the days of the wild west.
and in some countries today.

but it is impossible to hide. because it gets damn hot back there. everything, including your chair, gets bathed in sweat. you get a big sweaty ass which is really attractive. the only comfortable clothing means tshirts, shorts, & skirts. so i guess i should just get over myself.

on one hand i feel like it's possible to play better now that i have 13 years of daily yoga under my belt. but the brain is tripping me up, trying to convince me that "i'm not worthy." and my right arm feels completely paralyzed to the point that i can't lift it up.

can you say "relax"???
and breathe.

yet i have a weird determination streak. i just press through the pain & make sure i am practicing every single day. if you play well & relatively flawless, the "fun" factor skyrockets. however, i'm not quite there yet. some of the songs are aggressive & fast. & i haven't yet trained my mind to behave & have patience.
yet doubt continues to sink in. especially when i watch other male drummers.
i even suggested to one of the guitarists that he should use his drummer from his other band cause the guy is really great.

he just said,

"it's too late now. YOU"RE it."

i'm sure that came off like i'm a martyr or something. i began to think...

"why would i want to join a club that would have me as a member?"

i suppose i have a few more lessons to learn on this earth.

i took this photo. it was at the drummer's last recording session. it really captures the joy these guys have. i really hope i can fill the gap. the colonel says the magic is gone with richie. i say,

"let's try to make some new magic."

come on a my house...

2010-02-26T17:13:00.005-06:00

i've been watching, "celebrity rehab," mainly because tom sizemore is on. his x-fiance heidi fleiss also is. i find him wickedly delicious. even on drugs, covered in sweat. something about the eyes, and his sweet demeanor, even though he has spent a considerable amount of time in jail for drug offenses & beating up heidi. i can't take my eyes off of him. it's really amazing, he is kind of like the keith richards of acting. he has been a junkie since his early teens yet acted in 96+films & tv spots, around 25 since 2009 alone! check out imdb for his list.

it's funny, but another man i find wicked delish is sanjay dutt who is from india. he has the same sort of demeanor as tom. don't you think? funny thing he also has spent time in jail. but for different reasons-illegal possesion of arms. he was accused of being involved with the "93 mumbai bomb blasts. he got 16 months, about the same amount of time as tom for beating up heidi fleiss.

i really hope tom cleans up. he is SO gifted as an actor & seems like a decent man. and i hope both men can come over to my house for some chai real f&i$g soon.

a beautiful soul

2010-02-25T08:34:00.005-06:00

we went out to support our other guitar player tuesday night. he's been playing with his band for over 20 years. no wonder they are so good. we ventured into an area of the city i've been spending time in lately-the north west side, like edison park & norwood. chicago is so big there are many hoods i have never really investigated. the bar he played in was a local watering hole where everyone knows each other. there's no stage-the bands are on the floor almost behind the bar. my favorite places to play are the smaller ones. in fact i would personally rather play at a house party than any well-known stage in the city. in the past, most of my bands played the "big" places-metro, empty bottle, the vic, the old lounge ax among many others. now i get to play in all kinds of unknown local bars. the first place on friday, march 12th will be at silvie's lounge on lincoln & damen.

i'm totally psyched about this new situation. it has made me a happier person to have music in my life again. going out to see music is really great but not nearly as great as playing. the site for the band is here . you can listen to some of our tunes (although i only laid down the percussion tracks for the recordings).

i replaced the original drummer who died last november on my birthday from cancer. he is the reason i got back into playing. he lived for his drums. his beautiful custom kit was next to his coffin at his funeral. it has made me think how lucky i am to be alive, to be able to play. it meant SO much to him i feel i just took it for granted. in fact i almost sold my drum kit because i did not think i would ever play in a band again.
because of richie, i no longer feel that way. his attitude was happy & positive right up to the minute he passed away. i would love to be more like him.

there are very few people in the world that make you feel good whenever they are around. richie was like that.

a beautiful soul.

playing is more fun than pretending

2010-02-20T10:07:00.011-06:00

these are the boys in my current band. i'm in musical boot camp at the moment which means a gig coming up & i'm trying to play their library perfectly. it's the first time i've played in a band with 2 really good guitar players. like thin lizzy, they can play that double lead guitar thing. & that makes me very very happy. because 2 guitar players are ALWAYS better than one. my favorite instrument is guitar even though i have no interest in ever playing it.

i have my own shots of a few faves i've seen live

billy zoom, richard thompson, dave alvin, & john mooney.

i have a serious soft spot for john mooney. he plays a combination of delta blues (his teacher was son house) with new orleans second line. his voice is deep & haunting as is his guitar. here's a short video i took at the rock n' bowl in 2008.

adding music back in my life has been rewarding. yoga had taken over my life to the point that i had lost that part of me. i've been a serious drummer since age 22. no point in throwing it in the trash. 8 hours a day practicing for years. gobs of private lessons. several serious sacrifices such as going to the south side to study with the best afro-cuban percussionists i could find. i would ride the train with my jcr bongos wrapped in a mexican blanket. i forced myself to play on the beaches in sanfrancisco. i had to wear surgical tape on my hands to cushion the painful calluses. epsom salt baths after every gig. the putting up with dudes from all walks of life making a big deal that i was a chick & could actually play.

i feel blessed that i can play rather than having to pretend. "rock band," & "guitar hero," virtual games are pathetic. i mean, pick an instrument & learn! it's gotta be more fun to play the real thing.

funny i said that.

because we were rehearsing last night sandwiched between 2 bands. on the left was a death metal band. on the right were children playing beatles songs.

i take back what i said abouts virtual "rock band". it is NOT necessarily a bad thing. because the beatles "rock band" has turned these pre-teens into decent musicians. what better catalogue to learn than the beatles?

i was jealous because they were probably 12 years old & already playing together.
imagine how good they will be when they will be old enough to play in a club.

the genocide of nola

2010-02-19T08:08:00.009-06:00

i watched the first 2 chapters of a 4 hour documentary directed by spike lee in 2006 and i could not sleep a wink for 2 days. the chilling images are still in my head. i can't even imagine how the survivors sleep.

when the levees broke is the BEST and MOST TRUTHFUL account of what really happened on that fateful day in NOLA august 29, 2005. i've read a pile of books on the subject but had not really seen the full picture until watching this film. the film spares nothing from the viewer. you hear the most hideous accounts from victims through raw interviews. people who have watched their loved ones die. you see actual "banned" footage of people carrying their dead children around for 5 days or more. disabled folk in wheelchairs, with colostomy bags that could not be changed for a week, women getting their periods dripping with blood, bloated dead humans & animals floating everywhere, people & dead bodies left on the highway underpass, the nightmare of the superdome, no water or food for a week. human beings up to their chins in raw sewage. in 98 degree heat. the biggest travesty the united states has ever been responsible for.

you see, it wasn't the hurricane that caused the death & destruction of so many lives. it was a mechanical failure that everyone knew about long before the storm arrived. that is UNTHINKABLE & IMMORAL. but it's not the worst part. the film shows proof of the political mess that destroyed the life of the "big easy" (ironic indeed)

the vice president at a golf outing turning his head.
the president completely uninformed until days later (???) even though there was ample news coverage on tv
condi rice shopping for shoes & being spat upon by people who could not believe what they were seeing.
the mayor playing political volleyball.
the governer with her hands tied.
then there's the engineers, the designers, & the years of warnings.
why wasn't anything done?

because it was too expensive.
because new orleans does not matter.
i happen to think it's the single MOST important city in america. the birth of jazz. the world is certainly grateful for that.

why wasn't there help from the US government?

i'm not sure we will ever know the real reason why.
how long can we beat a dead horse?
i want answers. but not like the people who were in the middle of it. such a heavy burdon to drag to the grave.

the canadian mounted police were there to help days before the US bothered. so did many other countries. even hugo chavez.
many of the heros who saved lives were in the storm. they had to save themselves.
because no one cared.

i know this issue is old, i know we should move on to more recent disasters like haiti or the equally invisible pakistan, but i just can't seem to get this particular disaster out of my head. it makes me SO incredibly sick to know that this was a preventable disaster.

there's one word that describes it for me.

genocide.

i challenge YOU to watch this film & draw a different conclusion.

bulging discs-please discuss

2010-02-18T08:24:00.007-06:00

i often have students with physical issues. pregnant students in all stages of fetal development, people who had knee/hip/back surgery, rotator cuff problems, torn meniscus & hamstrings, HUGE quantities of foot problems, and arthritis in the neck, hands & hips. i have to do outside research & change the postures i teach to suit the individual. i'm doing that now for a student with a bulging disc.

teaching yoga is SERIOUS business & i sometimes feel like i'm not qualified. if you teach the wrong postures, you can make the problems much worse. so it's pretty important to do your research & make sure the student is getting their own professional physical therapy.

i have had students before with bulging & herniated discs, the latter being more serious. it's tough because astanga is so rigid. primary series is NOT for this problem. yet intermediate postures can be too advanced for everyone in my beginning classes. i try to modify as best as i can with props, etc. backbending postures in intermediate series seem to help-salambasana, dhanurasana, pasasana, bridge & ustrasana, although often camel must be done VERY modified-many people can not touch the heels so we just do the "bankers pose" from richard freeman's workshops & stay out of the lumbar area.

i really want to help this student. i understand that the abs should be strong, but not too strong. i'm thinking of suggesting some pilates to her. the hamstrings need to stretch without forward bending, but most of the astanga standing sequence can be done unmodified emphasizing extention rather than flexing.

if any of you are yoga teachers or have had a bulging or herniated disc & found relief, can you please discuss this issue on my comment section here?

namaste

the wheel of self-imposed suffering rolls on....

2010-02-16T07:37:00.008-06:00

vipassana teaches us a very powerful yet so simple concept.

anicca.

"The term expresses the Buddhist notion that all of conditioned existence, without exception, is in a constant state of flux."
wiki

this is the law of nature. dhamma.
impermanence.

taking a 10 day course (you meditate 10+ hours a day) one is constantly reminded of this fact. the course is set up SO brilliantly, gently easing the student into the technique. the first 3 days are spent using the most simple technique in order to prepare the mind for the more complicated technique which is the actual vipassana. in those first days, you are taught to simply focus on the air that hits above the upper lip. you just keep pulling your attention back to this area when the mind begins to wander. then you are taught the body scanning technique which is the vipassana. during this time you are asked to sit for 3 hours each day (split up at 3 different times) with "strong determination." this means to sit without moving at all or opening your eyes.

this is when all the fun begins.

what happened to me during this time? total paralysis in 3 fingers on my left hand. i kind of freaked out & asked the instructor about it. he just told me not to be concerned WHEN or even IF the fingers return to normal.
"3 hours, 3 days, or 3 years."

at first i was stunned because that's kind of passive advice. but almost a year after the course, my fingers returned to normal. and i don't feel the need to concern myself with the "why" behind it.

i sometimes felt a burning sensation in my legs that was so strong i almost passed out because i felt like my entire body had caught on fire. i would hide in my room in a pool of sweat & have a good cry. the tears extinguised the fire from my body.

what is the point?

anicca. put into action. simply observe the pain. you do not comfort yourself. you simply observe. and guess what? the pain eventually dissipates.

do you know what else is true about anicca? that you can apply it to "happy" feelings & situations. those things too will pass. tell yourself this fact every time you "celebrate" finally being able to conquer a certain difficult yoga posture. i have met some yoga people who have actual parties. only to be destroyed the next time they do the posture & find that they no longer "have" it anymore. yoga is funny that way.

i call it the big cosmic joke.

i find anicca to be very enlightening. you do not have to read a stack of sacred or psychological books to understand it. all you have to do is practice it & it's yours for the taking.

just like astanga!

lately i've been applying anicca to my asana practice. if something is very painful, i just stay with it with "strong determination" until it dissolves. if you stay with it, you can really feel the energy & temperature changing instead of exiting the posture because it is uncomfortable. that's what humans do in life. we try to avoid uncomfortable situations. painful situations. preferring to wallow in blissful joy. but when the good times stop rolling, the shit hits the fan.

and the wheel of self imposed suffering rolls on.

zodiac of chicken has better fortune

2010-02-13T09:44:00.003-06:00

happy chinese new year! my tattoo artist serena created this great new design for her new logo. tomorrow is valentines day & more importantly the first day of the golden tiger day.

what does this all mean?

from my sinchew

"SINGAPORE: According to Singapore famous Feng Shou Master Tan Khoon Yong in facebook, in the Year of Tiger 2010, all of the 12 Chinese Zodiacs are not good, If not cautious enough, may land in lawsuits, also need to beware of health problems.

“In tiger year, Everybody's is quite hot tempered and emotional impulse, easy to affront other people, some people possibly will get rid to fight with others, therefore, everybody may land in lawsuits.” Tan told the reporter.

In addition, Tan pointed out “Tiger Compete with Wind”. Therefore in the Year of Tiger, people will appear frequently in “wind” related indisposition, especially with skeleton related illness.

In brief, everybody needs to be more careful in the Year of Tiger, also beware of health problems.

Tiger has a bad fortune because of direct conflict with the God of Year (犯太岁)

Among the zodiacs, the one who was born in year of tiger has a bad fortune, because of direct conflict with the God of Year. 1950 is the Year of the God, therefore the people who born in that year are even worst.

Zodiac of Chicken has better fortune among all the zodiacs."

fun fun fun !!!

shit magnet

2010-02-10T08:52:00.009-06:00

i've been reading daily again, thank god. it's all or nothing with me often in my life & either i'm reading constantly or allergic to books. after killing off several katrina-themed books & reaching for another, i decided to give katrina a rest for a week & read another recently translated japanese book by the most awesome natsuo kirino . on my way to find the book "real world," "shit magnet," fell off the shelf & i giggled. i kind of like that phrase. the colonel has most of jim goad's controversial mags, "answer me." i had never read them because they are completely over-the-top UN-PC VIOLENT as all hell. i did not make the connection until i started reading "shit magnet." after reading the first page, i was laughing pretty uncontrolably. but several pages later i was beginning to wonder if i would actually be able to finish the book. i am walking a floss tightrope between comedy & tragedy.

i definitely feel soiled.
lucky for me i am able to step back & see things objectively. so i think it's worth finishing the book. it is written while jim serves a couple years in jail for domestic violence.
how can i read this stuff?

jim goad is a brilliant writer.
nuff said.

he has a website with a section called, "my kind of news," where i found this article- indian man's internal organs all back to front. it's called, "situs inversus."

they say he is the only one with this condition. which is funny, because tim miller also has it. he talks about it in his workshops. apparently guruji would not let him sit in the left leg lotus position because situs inversus was impossible to translate into kannada.

jim goad is NOT for everyone. don't bother diving in if you have strong moral judgements, can not handle violence on every level, or have no sense of humor.

his words sure do not match his looks.

lunch time, baby!

2010-02-08T14:06:00.005-06:00

hungry for banh mi sammies, i suggested the mysterious neighborhood cuban joint again. this is a place that is not for the meek. in fact it's somehow it's own island. i usually send the colonel in there because, well, he's a man & this place is man palace. i went in once with ridiculous loud flower tights, a mini skirt & thigh high boots, not really thinking anything of it. i was stared at-you know, the look me up & down kind of stare i get in india-for around 10 minutes not really knowing how to order or what to do. then i left.
this funny tiny place probably gets the last laugh with every customer that comes in the door. you have to earn your $2.75 masterpiece. believe me, it's worth it. they have 2 sammies, cuban toast, cafe con leche. that's pretty much it.

just look at it.

i ran across an awesome review on yelp. much better than mine. he pretty much hits it on the head in describing the vibe of cafe marianao.

"YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH! ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT! OK NOW! KA POW KA POW!

This place has it all: excellent cheap sandwiches, a rude staff, and an old curmudgeon who stands around HATE-HATE-HATING every fucking thing in the universe-- his customers, the weather, the city, his wife, his daughter and her cowardly husband, this godforsaken country, the cursed lies one must swallow and reissue in order to exist-- all day, every day! All without saying a WORD. One can surmise an entire history of bilious, unceasing fury from watching him stare out the window. Clutching the mail, tightly working his jaw, a mean, distant fire in his coal-pebble eyes.

Lunch time, baby!"

B.Y.R.E.
(best yelp review ever)

so often i find myself in places like this on the other side of the world.
when so often there are places like this within walking distance from my house.
go figure.

stiff, gigantic & hard. working.

2010-02-05T14:41:00.005-06:00

i was astonished when i gathered my w2 forms & added it all up. if you are a new yoga teacher & have illusions about becoming wealthy or even getting by, think again. i am always impressed with others who do it on their own without a roommate or a mate without taking other kinds of work on the side. or doing excessive workshops & "teacher trainings."
the sadder part is that i made more money in 2009 than when i ever did in previous years. yoga studio years where you make a lot less & pay your own taxes. without direct deposit.
no wonder why so many yoga teachers have careers that they support themselves with. i meet a lot of teachers lately that are adding "yoga teacher" to their resume.

example resume (made up name)

lauren megan o'malley
age 23

lawyer
personal trainer
pilates
zumba
life coach
nutritional guru
thai massage master
yoga

mine looks like this

lisa hill
age 44

astanga yoga

i mean i don't even teach multiple yoga styles!

it's actually astonishing that i get by.

increasing your options-or "multi-tasking," like in india where everyone is multi-pro, is the only way to make a living or buy that condo & car you have always needed. i'm not really judging this because in the end, we all have to pay rent & eat. i have considered thai massage. i took classes while working in thailand in 2008. i thought about pilates & began taking classes. neither was really for me. besides, i kind of believe the good ones do it with the proper passion, experience & respect.

although the colonel has been laid off a lot lately, we still have a joint income. if i was alone, i definitely would have to return to waiting tables or learning some new lucrative skill. ugh.
or scoring that "big" yoga gig-like my fantasy of teaching a pro sports team. a room full of stiff, gigantic & hard working athletes. who can't BELIEVE how hard yoga is.
yet they are intrigued.....

like the NOLA saints!

something good came from their suffering

2010-02-02T08:35:00.006-06:00

As-Salāmu `Alaykum !!!
the first round of donations have been sent to New Orleans :-)
thank you for helping to make this happen. i have offered my help beyond the donations & will keep you posted.

below are a few of the non-profits working in new orleans that the zeitoun foundation supports

The Louisiana Capital Assistance Center
Innocence Project of NOLAMeena Magazine
The Muslim America Society
The Porch Seventh Ward Cultural Center
The Green Project
Catholic Charities, Archdiocese New Orleans
Islamic Relief
The New Orleans Institute
The New Orleans Center for Creative Arts
The Neighborhood Story Project
Rebuilding Together

"I know this is something the family is very excited about. Something tangible and materially beneficial can come out of this. A lot of times when someone tells you a story and it comes out in the paper, that can definitely be very positive and raise awareness. But, if you can have something tangible come from it, actual three-dimensional benefit, that goes a long way to allowing the Zeitouns to feel that something good came from their suffering."
-dave eggers

you can buy the book or donate below
zeitoun foundation

zeitoun-i♥neworleans

2010-01-31T09:08:00.005-06:00

i just finished reading this book. it's the best book about katrina i have ever read. it's about a muslim couple who split before the storm hits. the wife takes the 3 kids out of harms way & the husband stays behind to watch over his contracting business. he has a little canoe & ends up saving people who are trapped in their homes & feeding local dogs everything in his freezer. he believes god wants him to do this. then one day he is thrown in jail accused of being taliban. he is physically abused with many other innocent people. and not even given a phone call. totally hideous. i had no idea these things went on during the storm. military came in guns a blazin' watching people die, not lifting a finger to help.

new orleans, like india, is VERY close to my heart. i think i have found the right charity for the money i raised to go to rwanda . (in case this is new news to you please click the link & read about how my plans were crushed)

i recieved about a grand in donations, knitted hats & sat on the money until i could figure out how to use it. the proceeds from the above book have been used to set up the zeitoun foundation

"The Zeitoun Foundation was created in 2009 to aid in the rebuilding and ongoing health of the city of New Orleans, and to help ensure the human rights of all Americans. It is distributing funds garnered from the sale of Zeitoun.
Most of the money will stay in New Orleans, going to non-profits already at work in the area."

i just read that jonathen demme is making an animated film based on this book. he has already donated a lot of money & will generate more from this film.

i think i am going to give the money to new orleans via the zeitoun foundation.

does anyone have any issues with this decision?

wind beneath my wings

2010-01-29T08:01:00.006-06:00

that's my mom posing with one of her thousands of dolls. chachki queen i call her. not only was the house stupid overflowing with such collections, there was MUCH more in barrels under the house. a job i left to my sister since she inherited everything. she told me i could look through & take what i wanted but the pain of being tossed out of the will did not make me want to own anything that would remind me of her. god knows how much her treasure of antiques were worth. she was a garage sale goddess. something that i enjoyed as well. early on fridays she would have the sales mapped out so we could hit them when the good stuff was still there. it's something i enjoyed later in life as well. not so much anymore, as i seem to be allergic to clutter & useless stuff. the thing that drove me nuts was i had to dust all this crap every week. and once in awhile i dropped something made of glass. it was an ugly scene.

my biggest challenge on the planet is trying to forgive her for being a jerk. because when you hold anger inside of you for years, it eats you up from the inside. you kill your own spirit. i have already lost parts of my "self" which i'm not sure i can retrieve. i have a great capability of destroying myself or healing myself. depending on the day. my emotions can be extreme-very high to very low. i have anger that makes me very hot & i don't know what to do with the energy. it just explodes. i was once diagnosed with bi-polar disorder & prescribed massive amount of drugs, which i overdosed on & ended up in an insane asylum. i should have gone into a treatment ward but it was closed when i went to the hospital, so i had a room mate who screamed in the middle of the night & tried to kill me in my sleep by suffocating me with a pillow. it was a very interesting time in my life.

i tried to please her but it was an impossible task. she always expected a pile of gifts for her birthday & other holidays. no matter how much stuff i got for her it was never enough. she always disappointed me with her reaction. i made all kinds of healthy stuff for her & my dad. i was a vegetarian for 15 years & was quite good with quinoa & sprouted breads. she was always telling me to help her lose weight. i once brought a couple of awesome dishes to my sister's for thanksgiving & when everyone passed them around, they stuck their noses up in a dramatic way. her in-laws as well. because they thought i was trying to out shine my sister's cooking skills.

my wedding was sad. mom refused to show up because dad was sick again & she was angry i would set the date when he was sick. hell-my dad was constantly sick. was i suppsed to wait until he died? instead she sent a nasty note with a check for the exact amount of money they gave my sister for her wedding. because we were "equal." my sister & her husband showed up for the reception, not the ceremony. i had an indian buffet catered & neither one of them would try any of it. their loss. i really could not win with these 2 women. they were like twin sisters.

a year after i got married, my sister & mom took me out to eat at the rainforest cafe (double yuck). i had NO idea what they wanted. i was shocked to find out. my sister was not able to have children, so they asked me to have a baby for her. you know-get implanted with her husband's sperm, deliver the kid & hand it over. they expected me to do this without even considering my feelings. i felt like i was on "all my children," or something like that.

"let's see....let me think about it. NO FUCKING WAY!!!."

the beginning of their little war against me.

then there was the final deal breaker. after all this hell i decided to pursue finding my birth family. so i asked for the adoption papers, which i received. this was when i learned about my real name & such. i wanted to know where my sister's family was. my mother shared a rather SHOCKING secret with me. i was not allowed to tell anyone.

her mother was my adopted father's niece. someone we knew very well. someone who gave her a job with the phone company that she still probably holds. i was completely blown away by this. because they always said that her adoption papers were destroyed in a fire. of course i couldn't keep this a secret. i felt SO strongly that she should know who her mother was. i was jealous because her mom was SO close. and i would want to know if the tables were turned.

then they accused me of trying to get money from them. because during hard times (for awhile i had to be a temp) i asked my dad for $200. i had lost a week of work looking after him. he had recently won a lawsuit for half a million. of course i was trying to take his money.

my mother's funeral was pathetic. the embalmer (whatever you call it) was SO terrible i did not even recognize her. and when they referred to her during her wake, they did not get her name right. it was not even close. my sister chose the song.

"wind beneath my wings."

a week later i got my paltry insurance policy from her. she was pissed that i was seeing a financial advisor so i could figure out what to do with my money. that was the last time i saw her. this was about 9 years ago. i couldn't tell you the date of my mom's death, nor what she died of exactly. she drank gallons of "tab" throughout her life, had diabetes, smoked, & had some kind of gangrene that spread through her body. i watched her die, she crapped herself, then her oxygen tubes were removed.

i know it's not doing me any good to keep on hating on her. nor is it healthy to keep praying my sister get's cancer. i'm trying my best to have compassion.

even though i keep telling myself

it's not my fault. it's not my fault.

i just can't seem to make peace with it.

does anyone know how?

my sister the douchbag

2010-01-27T18:42:00.006-06:00

let's take a break from my "past" & talk about something that has kind of been bugging me lately. oh-wait a minute-the slang term description, according to wiki-fits my sister completely. never mind.

"The term refers to a person with a variety of negative qualities, specifically arrogance and engaging in obnoxious and/or irritating actions without malicious intent."

except the last part. malicious intent fits my sister completely.

malicious is how she has been to me ever since i was born. when i was young & she babysat me, her way of babysitting was to simply lock me in my bedroom. that way she was free to rob old ladies & steal their wallets.

really.

she was arrested for doing this. unfortunately for me she bragged all about it & i turned her in cause i felt sorry for the women.

she beat me up & whenever i wanted to "hang" out with her, she abused me. so i just kept trying until i got the hint.

i never understood why she did not like me. she did this until i was in college & then decided she "liked" me.

by then it was too late. i already hated her back.

i moved to sanfrancisco in my early 20s & she visited me. anxious to see the haight & all that is california, i did not recognize her. because she weighed over 300 pounds. you see, my mother & my sister had a bonding thing-and in america we call this
OBESITY. both of them HATED me because i did not have this issue. and often made fun of me because of it. my bras hung next to theirs after laundering. theirs were beyond the triple D's. mine was A cup. oh well. when you are young, you feel weird about not having tits. actually i never really had any tits. today i have size 36 b. their underwear were SO big i could pitch a tent out of them, which they thought was "cool". mine were little. embarassing.

sis-let me tell you her actual name-cheryl-used to wear alice cooper makeup, get locked out of the house because she always extended her curfew (probably beating up old ladies), was a mess. she also always had a face full of pimples-a true pizza face. she had a horrible diet-was partial to mashed potatoes & would always hide veggies under her plates. one time my mom caught her doing this & forced her to eat a green bean. her response-an impressive projectile vomit.

she turned into a parrot head. that's a jimmy buffet fan for those who are not in the know. complete with a parrot head horrid tattoo on her thigh which she proudly displayed. white trash beyond.

i never judged her on her weight problem nor her acne issue. i felt sorry for her. i really did. but she hated me. for some reason. it really sucked.

and when my mom was on her death bed, she convinced my mother to write me completely out of the will.

the rest is history. i received one life insurance plan out of "respect"-she figured she was doing me a favor. the net worth of my mother's house, and everything else since they sued when my dad had his amputation, was a million dollars. i got nothing. but some of an insurance policy. mom always told me we were always equal no matter what. too bad that did not mean half a mil for little lisa.

with that paltry $ i went to india 4 times (11 months), australia twice (3 months) indonesia (1 month) to study yoga. then i ran out of money & taught yoga because i wasn't finished traveling. i taught in thailand and japan for 6 months .

thanks cheryl!
what a peach

daddy's little girl

2010-01-26T08:13:00.004-06:00

this is my dad. obviously pre-stroke. for some reason i've been thinking about him a lot lately. looking at these photos has made me a bit emotional. i realize how much i loved him & miss him even though he suffered for SO long. i remember being in the hospital after the stroke. seeing him cry & freak out over the fact that half of his body was now paralyzed was a hard pill to swallow. watching him go through pain for so long hurt. it was only the beginning, as amputation, emphasyma, pnemonia, several heart attacks, 4 bypass surgeries, & finally lung cancer, which is what took him out. my entire family-dad, mom, grama, sister-were hard core smokers. & if i don't have cancer from second hand smoke (they would all smoke at the same time with closed windows in the car) i will be surprised.

i've never smoked. not because of that, but because it always made me sick. i even tried to overcome it cause i thought it was cool. no such luck.

as a child dad used to re-use coffee grounds & was always pushing this on me. "but dad i'm only 8. i don't like coffee." especially re-used percolater folgers. he ate saltine crackers mushed with milk. and ketchup sandwiches. obviously a product of the depression. he was born in 1931 & served in the korean war. he was stationed in germany. he never told my mother what he did there because he did not want her to know. after he died we all learned what his job was.

a bomb detonator.

i remember he would wake me up & for breakfast he would ask it i wanted ice cream. he would take a half gallon of chocolate & peel off the box. he would cut the block with a knife & drown it in hershey syrup. even though i thought it was strange, that was breakfast for us. because anytime was a good time for ice cream. he LOVED it.

he had both an indoor & outdoor workbench, complete with hundreds of tools. i would sit on the floor while he builded stuff & beg him to play "hammer & nails." which was just hammering nails into pieces of wood. he had built the addition on our house for my mother's mom & dad. grampa had a heart attack & they wanted him close. when the house was finished, my grampa died. it was the first time i had experienced death. and i just didn't get it. suddenly grampa was gone. grama (granny goodwich) lived in her apartment attached to the back of our house until she died about 30 years later. my mother threw her into an old folks home as soon as my dad died because, according to my mom, "i'm sick of taking care of everyone. i'm not taking care of you too." grama was devistated. i remember visiting her in the home. i've never seen her so depressed. she died of lonliness less than a year later. and a year after that, my mom died. they all went at the same time.

dad dropped out of high school on the first day of class. it just wasn't for him. my mother never went either, but instead she went to "secretary school" whatever that is. she was never a secretary. when i wanted to go to college, she told me no way. i would be the only person in my family who had an education. my will is pretty strong & i was determined to go despite her wishes. isn't that funny? most kid's parents force them into college. not mine. i decided to get grants, scholarships & work study & graduated in 1987 from illinois wesleyan university-a very small private methodist school. my evil sister & mother treated me crappy because they thought i put myself on a pedestal. but really, the school was too difficult. it was a liberal arts school & i was there on acting scholarship, not grades. many of the general studies courses like science & math were almost impossible for me. thank god for the nuclear disarmament physics course-something that was fascinating to me. the first day of class the teacher turned off the lights & slowly poured metal balls into a metal container. it was loud & disturbing. why did he do this? to demonstrate the amount of nuclear weapons we had. then he asked us a question.

"did dropping the bombs on japan help save lives?"

we had to write an essay. i had always been against the bomb. and war. i had gone to the hiroshima museum & saw how people were still dying from the bomb decades later. it was the first time the logic of using the bomb was explained to me.
i learned later how relentless the japanese were.

and now i do wonder.

dad was cool.

my life-the pathetic mess

2010-01-24T08:24:00.006-06:00

my idea of writing my "story" kind of fizzled. i have this large tub with pics & other stuff & i've spent some time going through it. there's a lot of things in my life that are hard enough for me to face let alone share. it's just not very comfortable. i was going to talk about my adoptive family, but while searching all the photos, i realized i don't have any of my sister & barely anything of my mother. the pics of my dad made me too emotional, as he is the only one in my family that i miss. there are the "pre-stroke" shots & the "post-stroke" shots. he was a kind man. a machinest, he was very good with his hands. he was always spending his spare time working on old cars. i remember when he had his machinest job all day & then would work in a gas station at night. i hardly ever saw him. when he was 49 he had a stroke. he became paralyzed. he was a small man (shorter than me & i'm 5"3) but quite strong in will. he hung on for 20 years despite other complications such as a failed operation on his foot that led to gangrene, that led to having his leg amputated in 3 places. they kept cutting higher & higher up. he was wheelchair bound & dependent on my mother to take care of him. a devistating thing for a man who had spent his life working with his hands. my mother was a spiteful woman with un-diagnosed psychological problems (she refused to get help). she blamed my father for ruining her life. it was all downhill from there, as the marraige was not strong from the beginning. she blamed him for not being able have children of her own.

i was glad when she died.

this is only a fraction of the story. there was much psychological abuse ever since i was about 4-she used to run away & i would try to find her, knocking on people's doors. one time she threw my sister & i out of the house because we were fighting. i remember the paper bags she packed with all of our belongings. i was too young to understand & was devistated. i later learned the reason she always kept her radio on when she slept. she hated us & was afraid she would kill us in our sleep. she also later told me she never wanted to adopt me. it was my dad who pushed for it. and i think a lot about people who can not have their own children & if it is "gods" will. i am forever conflicted about this issue & unsure i will ever be able to let go of it & move on.

that's probably all i'm going to say even though there is MUCH more to this story without even getting into my sister. i don't pity myself. i found my adoption papers yesterday. creepy. i wonder if my birth mother has ever thought about me let alone tried to find me. i'm pretty sure i'll never know, nor would that guarantee enlightenment if we were reunited. i have met many adopted people, some who were reunited with their birth family. in some cases, they were abused by them. it's a chance you have to take. and you can't look back if you make the choice.

what a pathetic mess.

i ♥ new orleans-GO SAINTS!

2010-01-19T08:14:00.006-06:00

" mine
is the powerful story about the essential bond between humans and animals told against the backdrop of one of the worst natural disasters in U.S. history. MINE explores how tragedy intensifies that bond and is told from the perspective of original guardians, rescuers, and adoptive parents of the voiceless victims of Katrina. These individuals are all connected by two things, the tragic aftermath of Katrina and their love of animals."

i saw this heart wrenching film on sunday. it was a well balanced story of what happens when people are forced to leave their loved 4 legged pals behind & what happens when they try to reunite. many animals were put into foster care all over the country, some for 1-3 years before having to give them back to the owners. in many cases, the foster families refused to return the pets, using excuses such as, "they just left them behind (most had no choice), they weren't spayed (my dog never has been either), they did not have current shots (did you know new orleans is a poor city?), or the foster families had become too attached. a few of the featured owners had money raised for lawyers so they could sue the foster families just to get their dogs returned. geralyn pezanoski, the film's director, was present at the showing & gave a "Q & A" after the show. the film won the audience award at the SXSW film festival. look for it at your quality local theatre or find the dvd that has bonus clips-some of "what happened" to a few of the featured dog owners. once again i'm so happy to live in such a high quality city that enables me to view films like this every day. and because i'm a member of my favorite movie house the gene siskel film center , it only costs $5! and guess what? NO COMMERCIALS! i can not attend main stream films because i REFUSE to pay $11 to watch a half hour of previews & COMMERCIALS. going to the movies does not have to suck if you choose the right ones. support your local serious film houses before they disappear.

watching this made my heart hurt again for new orleans. i long to return to this magical city. to the NO jazz & heritage fest . click the link to see the UNBELIEVABLE lineup. once you visit NO, like india, you always return. it has a way of stealing your heart. and more than ever it's important to support the city where jazz was born.

GO SAINTS !!!!

shy. discuss.

2010-01-17T18:26:00.004-06:00

when i look at these old photos of me, it is obvious that my adopted mother enjoyed dressing me up like a doll & giving me the latest in hair styles. here i wear the shag quite well. because my face is heart shaped, it works for me. and it's funny, but my mother had a massive collection of dolls that she kept in a glass cabinet. something i always thought was trite & a waste of money. she was the CHACHKI queen. why do i hate this? because i had to dust all of the CHACHKIs. horrible. i've developed a distaste for "collections." it has almost divorced me from the colonel. he is a collector. it gets dusty & is quite claustrophobic.

when i was young, like in this photo, i was ashamed of everything that made me beautiful. my super white skin (mom made me swim in a tshirt all the time because i burned cherry red in 10 minutes), my freckles (i wish i had those now) my toe-head hair (no comment) my little turned up pudgy nose, and the giant blue eyes. i had another nickname as a child which was casper. as in casper the friendly ghost. because i had HUGE eyes & a giant white forehead. i thought all of these attributes were a curse. i now realize the blessing.

i was a horribly SHY child. today i'm a horribly SHY adult. i'm pretty sure that will never resolve. it was born right in me. but it's interesting, because i feel very comfortable on stage. and teaching. most people think i'm a jerk or stuck up, but the fact is that i'm stupid shy. i have never been able to shake it. i'm truly afraid of people. without reason. i used to hurt myself running away from cars, from people.

isn't that weird? yet i have so many things that confuse this fact. the stage experience, the leadership skills, & my passion as a teacher. i've been a teacher since i was a child. it's really my calling. it does not matter what i'm teaching. i just feel "at home" telling people how to do something, what to learn. and the fact i have a lot of skin art is often puzzling to those who don't know me. people often think i have so much because i want attention. this is very far from the truth. the truth is this. i simply fell in love with my artist's work & am very inspired by her. she is the most rightous person i know. living off the grid, being a true beatnick, not impressed with herself. i am honored to wear her art.

is shyness a disease? how does it happen? can it be cured?

discuss.

in the name of the father, son, & holy ghost amen.

2010-01-16T08:30:00.007-06:00

i was raised catholic. this photo was taken a couple of years after i recieved my communion. notice that the dress is way too small. my family would make fun of me because of my legs. they referred to them as

2 sticks hanging out of a bag.

i've always had thin legs. even now at my fattest, my legs are still thin. but the belly is like buddha. i worked out 8 days so far, even trying a step class & a spin class. i don't really like that drill sergent mentality, so i'm not sure i'm going to do more of these classes. i tried the "butts & guts" right after the spin class. i walked out, hid in a corner & did 3 rounds of pranayama. i am always around these weird workout classes & feel like i should take advantage. on the plus side they seem to make you work a little harder. maybe i shouldn't judge. maybe i've just been doing yoga too long. they kind of spaz me out, you know? for awhile i took pilates right before i taught & i could not slow down my teaching. i have to teach very slow because most of my students are beginners. now i do a headstand & pranayama before teaching & it forces me to be very very slow. is it good to rev up yourself like that? anyhow, pilates is nothing compared to ashtanga yoga. it kind of felt like a waste of time.

of course i should tell you all of this working out will get me nowhere if all it does is increase my appetite. i tend to reward my workouts with food. yesterday it was a lovely slab of triple cream brie, some smoked blue cheese, duck & goose foie gras (just a little-intended for the colonel), goat cheese stuffed cherry peppers, chocolate almonds, fennel salami & wine. ok, ok. so it was friday!

{i've been wondering how much i want to reveal to you-so far i'm telling it all}

anyhow, last night i began to read my old stories. i used to get" A" s all of the time. i will publish "the solar cat-eye raid" in a future post. i guess i've liked writing for a long time. then i found my eucharist book. i was about 7 years old & had to answer questions & draw. the theme was "peace." i can't spell or draw.

i irritated the nuns because catholicism never made any sense & no one could explain it. we never read the bible (why not?) and they never encouraged individual thought.

"we believe in one god. the father the almighty. maker of heaven and earth." blah blah blah blah...

endless babble without reason.

"our father, who art (what?) in heaven. hallowed (what?) be thy name."

what the hell does that mean?

and why does reciting 10 "hail marys" absolve you of your dirty thoughts? your sins? lying, cheating, stealing...you can do it all, go into a little closet, tell a stranger all about it & just recite another useless prayer.

"hail mary full of grace. the lord is with thee."

hogwash. always had been to me from day 1. my parents stopped going to church but made me & my sister go. we would pretend to go but blew it off. SO boring. the only part that was good was when the priest talked about something different during his monalogue.

i never did understand why we did not read the bible like the baptists. the baptists have a far more enjoyable church service. they read, celebrate, it's kind of fun. the catholics were always making you pay. like if you miss church, you can't take the communion until you go to confession. if you are divorced, you can never receive the eucharist again. i remember a neighbor who was divorced. SO humiliating to be one of the few sitting in the pew (love that word) while everyone else get's their unleavened bread fix on.

in class my teacher asked us if we thought we understood the meaning of the nicene creed. i raised my hand. to that she said,

"you CAN"T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND! put your hand down."

apparently we weren't supposed to understand. it's a "do what your told & don't ask any questions" kind of cult.

i guess that's my beef with catholicism.

Nicene Creed

We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth of all that is seen and unseen. We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ, the only Son of God, eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, begotten, not made, one in Being with the Father. Through Him all things were made. For us men and for our salvation He came down from heaven; by the power of the Holy Spirit He was born of the Virgin Mary, and became man. For our sake He was crucified under Pontius Pilate; He suffered died, and was buried. On the third day He rose in fulfillment of the Scriptures; He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father. He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and his kingdom will have no end. We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son. With the Father and the Son He is worshiped and glorified. He has spoken through the Prophets. We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church. We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins. We look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come. Amen.

a little secret-autobiography of the fry

2010-01-15T09:00:00.005-06:00

i've been thinking a lot lately about writing an autobiography. not because i need the world to know me, but for me to know myself better. i thought if i started thinking back-FAR back in time i might be able to recall stuff that happened over the years-much that has been buried in my subconcious. i'm not exactly sure this would make for interesting reading or not though. but then again, if i'm doing it for me, should it matter? then why am i putting it here? because what good is cooking & writing if you can't share?

i was born in chicago on west madison avenue at a hospital that is no longer standing-mary thompson hospital. on november 6th, 1965, my birth mother, who had already decided to give me up for adoption while still in the womb, gave me life. the name i was given was allyson brennan. the reason i was given away will always remain a mystery, but i was told it was because mom created me outside of her marriage, & because she had 3 boys (my half brothers whom i've never met) she did not want to lose them. i'm not sure if she stayed with her husband. i'm also not sure if i am a secret to everyone in that family.

i think most adopted people experience a sense of not belonging, a sense of not being wanted. it's something that lives inside me 44 years later.

i ♥ elliptical

2010-01-12T09:06:00.005-06:00

now with the yoga pretty much in place, i was right that other things will naturally follow. this week i wanted to add some "cardio" to the mix. i work in places that have opportunities to explore this but machines have come a LONG way since i began using them so i just stayed away. but yesterday someone taught me how to use the elliptical trainer . what an awesome machine! SO much better than running! there is NO impact on the joints because your legs never leave the floor. no pounding, no destruction of the body. running is very bad for the body. i'm surprised people are still running marathons. i like exercise that does not tear down the body. this is the perfect solution. my "goal" (i hardly EVER use that word) is burning 250 calories a day 5-6 days a week. this can be easily met on a stationary bike & this glorious machine. i figure, that's 1250 calories a week, i think one can lose a pound every 2 weeks, which is a realistic goal. i think i could lose more if i can stop eating & drinking so much. i'm thinking that will also follow. i hope. it gets harder to lose weight the older you get. and easier to gain.
but even if i don't lose, i already feel better. and this is only after 3 workout sessions.

it's all in the namaskar

2010-01-08T08:34:00.006-06:00

new years resolutions. i try not to have any, but like everyone else i feel like trying to at least make my life a little better. there's a long list of ways to do this which overwhelms me so i'm just concentrating on one thing first.

yoga.

good habits always seem to follow naturally when i start with the yoga.

i've done a 2 hour practice 6 days a week for over 10 years, but in the last year i began to "slack" which means still doing the yoga, but less days & less postures. i convinced myself this would be ok. and it was because 2009 was the first year in 10 that i've not traveled at all. or had to rise at 3 am to do & teach yoga. big changes in life affect yoga practice. so i've been gentle with myself.

2010-i'm back to the 6 day schedule. but not too hung up on how much i do. i just make sure i do something even if i only have 30 minutes. it's always better than nothing. it takes time to build the stamina back up, so i've backed up the practice & am building it slowly from scratch, not expecting too much from myself. it's SUCH an interesting journey. the quality of my teaching has changed because i'm really turned on by basic fundamentals. it's a joy to share.

ESPECIALLY surya namaskar. in this cold winter these have become even more important to me & i'm trying to pass this fact on to others. i really believe that everything you need is contained in the sun salutations. the opportunity to stretch & strengthen the entire body is there. it's a wonderful anaerobic exercise & it kicks most people's ass. all done in a 6 by 3 foot space-no extra tools needed. hell, you don't even really need a mat.

i used to get bored teaching these things but now it's a brand new discovery. i am grateful for this first-hand knowledge. fundamentals don't hurt people, are very difficult & build lots of strength & flexibility.

don't think you have to put your legs behind your head to "get it."
you never have to do that.
ever.

A$$h0%E? or "just" a republican? discuss.

2010-01-04T07:56:00.008-06:00

i'm a fan of yelp . this is a place where you can review any type of business (i mostly do restaurants) rate them & share with others. it's good because i get a lot of ideas where to spend my money, where to eat, shop, etc. and for the most part it is pretty fair. but yesterday had me thinking long into my slumber. a person posted this in one of the talk forums. he refer's to himself as

"a vodka snob".

"If you're a Republican and express conservative views, it's my opinion that your posts are more likely to be flagged and removed by the liberal yelp staff! I get hateful messages sent to me on a regular basis. Fine. I'm a big boy and will defend myself accordingly. BUT, what I can't fathom is the blatant double standard by the yelp staff. Hateful, liberals can sent racist, threatening, profanity laced messages to me--but, when I defend myself, my posts are yanked?
A big middle finger to the entire Yelp staff!"

so....why don't YOU be the judge? here are just a few highlights of his reviews

jewel/osco

"I wanted to purchase 2 strip steaks. Easy purchase, right? No, not when "Donovan" the ghetto thug, mute is working. After an unusually long wait for this employee who is either handicapped, or suffers from an incurable learning disability, I was finally acknowledged. YES! Well, my definition of "acknowledged" is an open mouth stare, which I construed as though "I'm next." Donovan never spoke, nor did he ever ask which cuts of meat I'd like to purchase, nor did he say "Thank you." No, Donovan just had that retarded open mouth stare the entire time he was waiting on me. But, don't fret, before we all chip in and retain the services of a speech therapist, I witnessed a miracle before my own eyes...allow me to elaborate: When leaving the meat counter, some of his "boys" came up. At this point, the open mouth stare, turned into a big Kool Aid smile, and words starting spewing out of his mouth. Amazing! I got the memo now...next time, if I want customer service from Donovan, I'll walk in with a basketball in my arm and a pick in my hair. My bad!"

********************************************************

rockit bar & grill

"Absurdly expen$ive, over priced drinks. Check. A plethora of white trash. Check. Flooded with overweight bachelorette party skanks carting around blow up penises. Check. A fat girl wearing a tight black dress excessively flirting with me, even after I rudely informed (Recommended) her that she needed diet pills & plastic surgery. Check. I'm an asshole. Check."

*************************************

omni hotel

"The Omni has two bars---one is a filthy lobby bar with an ignorant, dumbass female bartender that doesn't even look as though she's 21. The sign that is posted IN the Omni, clearly states, " 16 ounce Miller Lite $3." I asked for one. Dumb bartender {look of confusion} claimed that there was no sign that stated this? I offered to walk her over and point it out to her, but I didn't have the patience. I opted for the $5 Miller Lite bottle. Chug-a-lug, and I was outta there! "

*************************************

d'agnostinos pizza

"I'm writing this review solely based upon the IGNORANT phone order worker bees. The young tart that answered the phone this evening has the intelligence / IQ level of a chemo test lab rat. Well, maybe a gerbil. Who knows? "

************************************

the redhead piano bar

"I decided to tell everyone at the bar that "The Piano Man" was indeed blind. Seriously, he looked like the white version of David Patterson, the blind Governor of New York. What's funny is that people started to believe me. When someone called me out on it, as he was clearly reading the songs, I stated that the words were in braille. It kind of went like this:

Ugly molested chick with 3 gay men: You're NOT funny; he is noooot blind!

ME: So, I guess you're eternally single?

Ugly molested chick with 3 gay men: You're an asshole!

ME: Oh, yes I am! {I yelled at The Piano Man---Play some John Mayer}

Ugly molested chick with 3 gay men: Shut the fuck up, asshole!

ME: JOHN MAYER!"

******************************************************

aldo shoes

"ME: I'd like to return these shoes.

BLONDE PEGGY BUNDY: Okay, do have your receipt?

ME: Yes, I do!

BLONDE PEGGY BUNDY: Do yo have the credit card with you?

ME: I don't know which credit card I used. Does it matter?

BLONDE PEGGY BUNDY: Well, I can't return these shoes unless you physically have the credit card on you.

ME: So, if I bought these shoes on your website, would I have to physically mail my credit card back with the shoes in order for the return dept. to credit my card?

BLONDE PEGGY BUNDY: {Think bubbles floating above her head} Uhhh, I don't know...

ME: I know sweetheart...you really do not know.

I walked out. Am I wrong to believe that customer service has died?

I like Aldo shoes and will continue to purchase them----just NOT at this location!"

************************************************

and the most racist one of all, the US post office

"Is it a coincidence that this particular USPS branch has the LOWEST rating on Yelp. I think not! I've mentioned in my previous reviews that I adamantly refuse to go back into this branch of laziness. Unfortunately I had a prepaid package that needed to be returned, and the label was for USPS use only. Yay! Grudgingly, out of convenience via location, I walk into this pig pen. Today, the staff consisted of...well, I'll refer to them as: La Fonda & Sheniqua. Hmmm, expeditious service awaits:)

I was next in line, and once again, I was amazed at the display of ignorance. No, actually, I'm not amazed. I've come to expect this blatant form of "FUCK THE CUSTOMER" demeanor from the barn yard animals they employ here at this SECTION 8 ghetto!

Seeing as though I was next in line, for a good 15 minutes, 1 of the 2 employees that was pretending to work today, yelled this at me. Let me set this up for you:

La Fonda {Chocolate momma with fluorescent yellow hair}: Hey, youz realize that you cants use that's grey tape on yours package honey.

ME: Well, why not?

La Fonda: Youz gots ta use our 1st class, or Priority tape.

ME: Well, this is a prepaid package. Since it's prepaid, masking tape was all I had. I didn't get the USPS memo that masking tape wasn't allowed?

La Fonda: {Perplexed, don't you smart off to me white boy look with hand on hips} Uhh, well, you need to use clear tape.

ME: I proceed to rip off the masking tape from the box, and ask her to please provide me with some "clear" tape.

La Fonda: Uhh, we don't have any of that; wez all out. "

************************************************

i just HAD to share this. call me ignorant, but i'm ALWAYS pretty shocked that people act this way & then act like they are a victim. his beef is that "yelp" is considering removing him. don't get me wrong, i'm all for free speech. however, i do NOT believe people should be able to publicly spout hatred all over the internet. especially if the site is private like yelp.

discuss?

adventures in the south

2009-12-30T21:46:00.013-06:00

i write this on the road home from georgia. the colonel & i have driven down here for many years. his entire family resides here. i used to dread the long drive but now i enjoy it. it takes around 13 hours & it could be longer & that wouldn't really bother me much. i think my multiple 36 hour one way trips have given me some very serious travel stamina.

this time we couldn't get the satellite radio in the rental car, which initially bummed me out. however, there's something even more interesting (at least for a few hours) that lives all over am radio in the deep south. an array of right wing jesus loving angry racist talk shows. ones who are still ranting that president obama IS in fact, A MUSLIM. and there is a conspiracy. because he will not show his birth certificate.

it opens my eyes because i had no idea how many people still feel this way. you can't find a single liberal talk show in southern illinois, kentuky, tennessee, or georgia. there's no contemporary country music famine either.

it's a good thing to know these things first hand. and to know how southerners are still kind of fighting the civil war with their attitudes about the north.
we were introduced to a friend of the colonel's mom.
here's what she said.

"i'm originally from chicago. but please don't hold that against me."

what does that mean?
it was the 3rd time i've heard someone dogging the north this trip.

i love hunting down that cheap, oh-so-awesome southern food. there's this little gas station in north west georgia called "shotsy's gas & gossip." we found this last time we came here. at 9 am you can get a bbq roast pork sammie for $2.70. this is a rare find, as places like these are fast becoming extinct.

we went to "ronny's place" in cleveland, georgia. a cafeteria style restaurant.

paula dean came out to serve us.

"whatcha like precious? fried chicken? a breast? honey i'm gonna get you the biggest one we got. are you hungry sweetie? fried okra? some nice black eyed peas? "
and a sweet tea the size of a small child.
for $4.99.

and more bbq. "hawg wild" where they claim to have

"best butts in town."

i almost bought the tshirt in camouflage pink.

buttermilk pie was on the menu. we had never heard of it before. so we asked the server.

"what is it?"

"it's buttermilk."

"is it good?"

"i've never tried it. i hate buttermilk."

so we ordered it.
very sweet & unusual. an obvious sugar overload. i will look for this to make. it was delish!

no trip to the south is complete without the trip to the antique mall. you never know what you will find.
such as this 1937 children's book

HUMPY-son of the sands

and this super cute puppy in a grocery cart named herbie.

"the tomato house" was highly recommended

i purchased some produce, fresh amish butter, a wooden pocket toothpick holder, a john deer milk pitcher & a jumbo cherry scented candle. i couldn't enter the "pickled" room. it was just too intimidating. the colonel got a jumbo ham hock, dr. pepper with cane sugar, a metal 3 stooges poster, pickled brussels sprouts, real pork rinds & beamens, clove & blackjack gum.

it's kind of fun to visit the south.
it's also very pretty.

know thyself

2009-12-23T10:55:00.004-06:00

it's very strange how we often perceive ourselves falsely. i see it in others, especially those i teach. it makes me reflect on how i also may be doing this. it's something i already know from meditation. humans lose contact with the "real" person they are. and it brings us misery. and everyone else around us as well.

know thyself.

yesterday i was teaching a pair of students. both work equally hard, both have bodies. they are about 20 years apart, one swedish, one chinese. the older woman (who has come a LONG way with her breathing & really is benefitting from the yoga) made a public comment that she is not as "good" as the other woman.

this made me a little sad. and also the other woman uncomfortable.
i just had to let her know.

yoga is a gift for anyone who chooses to do it.
we are lucky to have it in our lives.
every body is unique. no 2 bodies are alike.
some people choose to look at yoga as a competitive sport & constantly compare their own yoga with those around them.
i feel this is a mistake.

because when humans insert the "sport" ethic into yoga,

it no longer yoga.

i really hope i got through to her.

yoga & exercise is a sanctuary

2009-12-16T17:15:00.009-06:00

i am recently feeling really pinched living in the city. our city rail system known as the cta is the worst one i've ever used. now it's also the most expensive. often i spend beyond $10 a day getting from job to job. this never insures proper service. it's smart to plan far ahead, often it takes an hour to get somewhere that takes 10 minutes to drive to. driving, which i have not done legally for about 10 years now, is for the rich & brave. parking anywhere in a lot is in the $30+ range. the private street parking has a 2 hour limit, often cheats you, & almost always ends up getting you a $80 parking ticket. if you have 2 of these, the city can put the boot on your car. it costs like $250 to have it removed, another $200+ to pay up the tickets with interest, and whatever the tow & other expenses. the colonel has been trying to get his city sticker for weeks. he has already paid 3 tickets for this offense. it's not that he does not want to get it. he had to pass an emissions test first. which meant getting repairs on the car. which he did, has tried to pass the test & is told twice already he needs to drive it for over a hundred miles. than the emission test can be taken. well, since he has been unemployed for awhile, it's kind of hard to rack up those kinds of miles.

what a joke.

today i had to grab a sandwich on my way to get my hair done. a dry turkey & chedder on rye cost $9.80. how did this happen? why are burgers in the $10-$20 range now? burgers used to be a poor mans steak! i went out to eat with a friend on monday night & a fried chicken plate cost $25!!!

am i just getting old?

after the boring sandwich i had to stop to get more money for my haircut. it cost $3 to get my cash. i remember when atms were $1.

it does not seem that long ago.

i got my cut & color (i am friends with the owner of the salon who does my hair)-still $110 (unbelievable that is considered "cheap"). i know people who spend $500 on the same service! so i'm lucky. this is a luxury i simply can not afford NOT to get. i just try to keep it to a minimum, going only once every 3-4 months. but it's not easy. i don't know how people can afford pedicures, manicures, eyebrow tweezing, waxing, facials, massages, & botox. i'm happy not to be high maitenence, but i still have to look decent at the places that i teach. now my yoga clothes are fading & falling apart. "gulp." because a pair of decent yoga pants will set you back no less than $100.

after the haircut i had to get shampoo & conditioner. 2 tiny bottles, which i thought would cost $10, actually set me back $42!!
i said, "god that's expensive!" she said, "but it lasts forever." and i said, "not if you wash your hair with it!!."

i went to macy's (formerly marshall fields) and bought some cream for my cardboard weather destroyed face. the told me the best stuff was a bargain at $98! they claim it used to cost $400. WHO pays that?
i got the $28 "cheap" stuff. and my soap, only a quarter pound, cost $9!!!
throw in a cool $100 worth of frango mints. this gets you 4 tiny & 2 large boxes.
and 3 pairs of cotton armani (i know-but they make such good panties!) for the sale price of $33. how can they charge that? there's hardly any fabric!

over the weekend i met a friend at the restaurant that is located in "barney's" department store. a store i have never been in before. with good reason-the low end for a purse is $1400.
i had a cup of chicken soup for $9. & split a mediocre pizza. half a glass of wine. total with tip=$31.
i went home and ate again.

i spend $28 twice a month for dog bones & $60 a month on pet food. because i want my animals to be healthy.

i feel financially drained.

how do you all do it? those of you with kids, putting them in college, buying them clothes, food, laptops & the latest trends? those of you who own a house? own a business? own 2 cars? own 2 houses?

i can't even imagine it.

the stress that accumulates from these very tall financial responsibilities is obvious to me in the bodies of people with high end, high stress jobs. you can see it in the shoulders. the neck. the feet. and the breath.

more than ever i understand why yoga & exercise is a sancturary. i'm very glad to be able to help. if it's only one person who can feel better, than i have a purpose.

but i'm even more happy to hear that if i have an emergency (last week i was too sick to show up to teach), my students do the yoga anyways. because i've taught them not to be dependent on me. i've taught them through simple repetition that there is no need to go to class every day.
the fact that they did this & bragged to me,

"you would be so proud of us! we remembered everything & did yoga!"

totally made my decade.

and if that wasn't enough,

"but it's always better with you"

awww....

it's all about the journey. never the destination.

2009-12-09T09:11:00.006-06:00

the process of learning new knitting techniques is a fascinating subject to me. yesterday i was determined to learn how to knit cables. since i don't have any knit partners who can show me, i had to rely on youtube videos. all of them assume you already "get" it, so a couple hours of trying, i tore my expensive yarn & threw my needles & gave up. at least for a few hours. it did not help that i have pink eye in both eyes & they are sunk into my sockets. all i could think about was how to conquer the cable. and i have to laugh at my attitude, because it's pretty childish. you see-i'm stuck. knitting is so vast but i have one hell of a time understanding techniques from a book or video. & i'm too shy to go to a knit club because so many knitters are snotty. i don't want to pay for lessons because i am broke right now.

after my tantrum & self loathing, i came back to it with a clear head. alas, i conqured it. i knit on this little patch about 3 hours, woke up this morning to do another couple hours before venturing into the deep freeze with a full-on cold to infect an entire room full of students (how sad i can never find a sub when i sub for everyone else. this is the story of my life.) and i happily began knitting. soon i saw that my piece had turned inside out. NO idea how this happened. so now i have to begin again.

and so i break to write this blog. i will probably be thinking about this until i can return to the knit.

it reminds me of the sand mandala. monks spend hours & hours constructing these vast & beautiful art pieces only to let the wind & water destroy the work.

it's all about the journey.

never the destination.

pottery sucks

2009-12-05T16:53:00.002-06:00

my pottery experience has left me in the dust. i spent $300 learning to throw, trim & glaze. only to be screwed royally by the crazy owner. my first weeks were fine. she was never around. but when i got to the intermediate stage, a different story completely. this is the scenario-

first week-throw
secone week-throw
third week-trim
fourth week-glaze

pick up finished pieces a week later. easy, right?

wrong.

i am a slow learner. so i was unable to make many pieces or even finish them. my last 4 weeks were especially trying. i finished a cookie jar & a pitcher. i went to my 4th week (my 3rd session) to get my stuff to glaze. i entered, looked for my stuff, and found nothing. i sat uncomfortably waiting for them to appear so i could glaze them with my chosen paints-beige & browns. sat 20 minutes. nothing. i tip-toed to the kiln to the crazy owner.

"where are my pieces?"

mary got pissed at me for even asking. thing was, she did not tell me they were not fired. we are not allowed to go anywhere near the kiln. what does this mean? i could not glaze. so i just went home. and cried cause it was SO uncomfortable. it takes awhile to get to the studio-i often plan my week around my pottery classes because it means a lot to me.

tough titties.

another week goes by. i 'm on my way to glaze with a full-on cold. i hear from my teacher "your pieces were not fired."

wtf

and i learn she likes to destroy people's pieces for fun. and not fire them for fun. cause she can. and takes personal pleasure doing so because she is the cheapest place in chicago.

i'm SO pissed. and of course i can't get my money back.

and now i hate pottery.

so now i'm going to learn metalworks from my teacher in xchange for yoga.

wtf.

meet the natives

2009-11-30T07:17:00.005-06:00

there's a little island in the south pacific which is part of the vanuatu archipology called tanna. the people do not use money, they have a medicine man, they dance a lot, work together, live off of what the island provides them, and wear nothing but what they call "penis sheets." their mission is to spread peace in the world. the travel channel has given them the perfect platform to do so in an utterly delightful 6 part series called meet the natives . the 2 episode premiere was last night. they put clothes on & were flown on 5 different planes, each one bigger than the next-first to montana where they are clad in western wear & then to new york city. when i saw the preview for this show, i thought, "what a noble idea! we always go to other places, why not bring other places to us?"

the result-a view of the US through very very fresh & profound eyes. on a cattle ranch, they ponder having 5000 cows to look after-"they work hard to have a fat wallet yet in the end, they will all die just like us." and upon playing in snow for the first time, "i wish it was sugar. than i can put it in my bag & take it back to my tribe." they see an old homeless man & ask him where he lives. they wonder, "how can we have so many houses and so many people don't have one? and that man is very old. where we live everyone has a home." they show the tribe pitching in at home helping to build a fellow tribesman's house, "i am a very happy man today because my friends have helped me build my house."

the chosen 5 ambassadors are a medicine man, a translator, the head dancer, happy man, & the chief. they are completely adorable, funny, and wise far beyond the most "civilized" human. they spread love & gratitude & even though our world is completely foreign, they have no judgement. even when asked by a gay couple if men can be married in tanna, to which they say,"no-because no babies will come." "but if it brings happiness, that is all that matters."

i really loved this series & can't wait to see it again next sunday night. it's on the travel channel 9pm eastern time (8 central time).

go to a party

2009-11-28T10:36:00.004-06:00

forgive me for posting this but it seems every time i listen to it i can't stop laughing.
"go to a party" was recorded in 1982 by the fems-a legendary buffalo hardcore band.

all i need to hear is the beginning guitar riff & the snotty lead singer come in-those drums that seem to be made out of cardboard. it's the ultimate silly punk song. put the lyrics in & it just goes over the top.
at least for me.

here's some of the lyrics. some of the best parts are the snotty comments the singer makes at the end. i hope this makes you laugh as well. i will keep the song up for a few days & after it's removed, you can just go here to listen to both the original & 2 newer versions.

go to a party & act like an asshole
go to a party & get real drunk
go to a party, yeah you're an asshole

go to a party & act like an asshole
maybe if your lucky you'll find true love
maybe till tomorrow morning

go to a party, act like an asshole
get real drunk, i'll kick your ass
yeah, your an asshole

it's a go

i go to parties to watch you assholes all get drunk & act like fools
your amusing for a little while

then i leave

go to a party & act like an asshole
have another one I'll kick your ass some more
yeah your an asshole

I WAS SO WASTED

like it's an excuse or something

city of joy

2009-11-25T18:42:00.009-06:00

"all that is not given is lost"
the theme of city of joy -a slum in calcutta. i have a lot of reasons to love this film. the obvious one is that (duh) it's filmed in india. and the next place i will fly into when i return to the motherland is kolkata-formally known as calcutta. i am forever curious about the bengali culture. it's home to art film & this movie has 2 of india's most popular art film actors shabana azmi and om puri with a little patrick swayze thrown in for "good" measure. unfortunately it's painfully obvious how bad of an actor he is as he shares a screen with india's finest.

i love this film. it's got a silly plot, is very long, & really comments on what it's like to be indian. so much british rule has left it's people in permanent submission.

here's a synopsis from imdb

City of Joy is the story of an American Doctor (Patrick Swayze) who runs away from his life and unwittingly lands himself in an entirely different place. Through various actions he ends up helping a woman (Pauline Collins) who tries to help the very poor of Calcutta on a day-to-day basis. City of Joy also contains a story of a farmer (Om Puri) who has lost his farm to the "money lenders" and brings his family to Calcutta to find work so that he can support his family. How all these lives interact is interesting. The poverty and oppression is devastating to see - but worth watching. The story touches your heart and holds your interest throughout the movie.

if you haven't seen this before & you have an interest in indian culture, i highly recommend it.

and i dare you to keep your eyes dry.

"true heroism lies in the quality of the struggle"

life without a face

2009-11-24T08:11:00.003-06:00

facebook. does it really bring people together? i've struggled with my feelings about this social network since i joined a few months ago. it has not done much for me except destroy relationships. i have seen other's "friendships" fall apart, families fighting, and chaotic misunderstanding. there's also something stressful about having to find out everyone's status several times a day in addition to reporting your own, which is not very interesting to anyone except you. i've always tried to share information. the majority of my status updates were links. i'm not sure many people cared. but when people start fights over politics & religion, it becomes a toxic battleground. when people gossip about you on their public wall you wander into & they tell you how they REALLY feel about you, it can be painful. this has happened to me more than once.
i trust people less now.

sticks and stones.

for some reason i got swallowed up by some of the game applications & they began to become a deep black hole of a time waster.
some of my friends understand. some want me to come back. they say they miss my posts, which is surprising because they have never told me that before or ever commented on the links. i'm pretty sure they are just being nice.

i had a couple days of actual facebook withdrawl. 11 days later i feel glad to have it out of my life. i have more time for my own writing & personal e-mails. i think if someone is really your friend, they will pick up the phone or send you a personal email.

my life is better without facebook.

don't blame the yoga

2009-11-20T08:02:00.005-06:00

visvamitrasana is the first posture in the 3rd series. it takes a strong core, good balance & strong legs, arms & hips to perform safely. which is why it's in the 3rd series.

last night i taught my usual thursday night class. a woman who has been taking my classes for almost a year finally got her husband to try a class. in his very first yoga class ever, he was forced to perform this posture.

guess what?

his shoulder dislocated. it is possibly a permanent injury.

guess what?

he may never walk into a yoga class again.

this makes me sad. and angry. because the studios & clubs are chock full of newbie "teachers" who have no concept of how to push people. they get bored, turn up the music & teach brand new students very advanced postures such as this posture-durvasasana.

i had a heated argument with another teacher about this posture & she ended up never speaking to me again because i questioned her methods. sadly she could not even name the posture. actually this was the 3rd teacher who told me they like to teach this pose to new students.
beware.

there's no way in heck i would teach these postures to anyone who has not done much yoga. it's stupid. why would you do this? when a new student gets hurt, they blame the yoga. sometimes it's the student pushing themselves, often it's the teacher. but it's NEVER the fault of the yoga. especially if the teacher can not perform the posture or name it!!!
beware.

i can't tell you how often yoga practitioners get angry about yoga. yoga is your friend-not your enemy. i've said it before-it can heal you or poison you.
beware.

when you get injured, blame the teacher or blame yourself.
but don't blame the yoga.

doin' the kimchi squat

2009-11-18T08:14:00.004-06:00

i have been corresponding with an astangi who lives on the coast. we were discussing the importance of pasasana-the noose posture. i asked her how her pasasana is. and if her heels are on the floor. she said "no" because "my ankles are stiff." to which i suggested that she should squat like using an indian potty so her ankles can stretch. i've always been taught that way & that this first posture of the intermediate series is a gateway posture. when i was practicing in mysore, guruji & sharath were VERY serious about the heels getting down all the way. you weren't even allowed to come on the toes in order to bind! lucky for me i had been using the indian potty for 4 months. my pasasana was the best i've ever done. and i've been chasing it ever since. my friend called the squat i told her to do "the kimchi squat," because her korean pal said that's what the people have to do while making kimchi. and i loved that & asked to use it while teaching.

now i'm hungry.

Benefits of Pasasana

Stretches and strengthens the ankles
Stretches the thighs, groins, and spine
Opens the chest and shoulders
Stimulates the abdominal organs
Improves digestion and elimination
Improves posture

-Yoga Journal_