i finish things.

the moment i woke up this morning everything became clear.  i was feeling unsure about committing to another vipassana course for reasons stated in my previous blog post.

i  confirmed because, like clint eastwood said in "gran torino"

i finish things.

it's true.  i signed up a couple of months ago already. i had been longing to return, (it's been 1.5 years).  i was making excuses because i  remember how difficult it was.  there were times i wanted to flee in terror.   the pain.  the very unpleasant memories surfacing from the depths of my loins.  stuff i would rather not remember.
the teacher was right when i asked him why my fingers were paralyzed after only 40 hours of meditating.  and when they would get back to normal.  his response

"maybe 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months or 5 years"

it took 6 months.

this morning i remembered how powerful it was.   how much i learned.  how much my mind has changed.  i realize that one course is only the beginning.

i often think about anicca and relate it to many things in my life.

all things must pass
all things must pass away.

i see s.n. goenka's face in my mind & remember

"may all beings be happy"

i'm an old student now, which has it's privileges.  the definition of "old student" is someone who has completed a 10 day course.  we are allowed to take shorter courses.  this one's a 3-day.
this time dinner is herbal tea without milk, sleeping on the floor, & not being able to be decorated-meaning no jewelry.  i'm cool with all of the above except i have never taken out my nose ring since i got it my first trip to india 7 years ago.  there's no gem in it.  i hope i can keep it in.   toe rings that have not been removed in a long time. i suppose those can go.  i get my own room, too.

the only thing that can stop me from this is if i can not cover my classes.

buddha willing i can.

bindifry's vipassana experience january 2009