Wednesday, June 16, 2010

it's a cold world without you kate

i seem to have all kinds of feelings running through me lately.  i'm just trying to accept them.  no judgment.  death is such an unpredictable prediction.  we all know it's unavoidable but when it happens suddenly (or not) how you are going to feel is nothing you can prepare yourself for.  i think it's natural for the survivors to feel like maybe they could have done something more.  i feel like i should have meditated in her garden with her.  i should have gotten to know her even better.  she was so into hearing about others she hardly cared to talk about herself. 

the classes i have taught since this happened saturday have changed.  the way i teach.  the way i take my time even more than ever.   more snippets of wisdom.  and no more music.  all music is distraction.  breath (and grunts as one student put it today) is much easier to harness. i think about kate when i teach. and how she did her yoga. and her enthusium & gratitude that surpassed everyone elses. i've been teaching the dreaded "center of the room" headstand more frequently.  it IS changing people.  joy seems to be easier to grasp.  thing is this.  i am a SUPER cautions teacher, as a result usually end up working deeply on the basics-mostly salutations & standing postures.  and breath.  that is plenty for one hour imo.  navasana is a good one to put in there as well for obvious reasons.   backbends & inversions are very risky, but depending on who shows up, it is possible.

i don't want to go into kate's private details.  i do understand why.  i'm just having a very hard time with it. 
i'm pretty sure i needed her more than she needed me.
she was one of the good ones.
her spirit will live on in the hearts of all who knew her.
even when i ride past the studio i no longer teach at where kate spent most of her time, i can feel her. i have a hard time even looking at the building.

after begging repeatedly to the subs of my job i finally got my class covered so i can go to the service.  which makes me sad because once again it's impossible to get people to help you out.  no matter what you do for them.  you can sub their classes for months & when you want one class covered, no one wants to help you.  the outpouring of teacher trainee graduates is astounding yet i have to saw off my left tit to get someone to teach one freakin' class for me.

it's a cold world. 
kate made it a lot more temperate when she was here.



Claudia said...

Sorry to hear about your loss B, I am thinking of you

mdm said...

I'm reading this, and feeling your pain. I also cannot find a sub for my class tonight, and will miss her service.

I have something to share with you. I normally would not write this & send it into cyberspace. But I don't know you, so this is the only way I can tell you...when I heard the 'how' & the 'why' surrounding Katy's death, I called out her name. I simply said, "I understand". Following that was a moment - just a moment - that was suspended in eternity. I didn't hear words, but I felt them - "You're ok, Mary. And I'm ok". The moment was as real as any.

We can't judge, but we have to remember that God is love. God's love surpasses all. Today, God's love is with Katy in her beautiful, eternal garden. My class will be dedicated to her tonight. Wall-less headstands? I might be the only one ;-)

bindifry said...

yes. but i'm still pissed off.
god damn

mdm said...

i hear that.