Wednesday, June 23, 2010
so much to reflect on lately. much of it has to do with how i feel about myself as a person, & how it reflects how i feel about other people. my entire life i've been shy, sometimes fearful of people. i experienced anxiety in crowds of more than 3. this continues to happen, although i've actually been working on my social skills a little bit more lately. now that i'm middle aged i realize that change does not just knock on your door. you have to meet it half way. i also have a strong belief that
god helps those who help themselves.
the reason i believe this is because every time i have made a conscious decision to do something, do the work & work my ass off, god has met me half way & helped me out. the place i end up often is not the "goal." sometimes it's SO much greater than i could have ever imagined. sometimes it's SO much worse than i could have ever imagined.
i'm trying to stop "imagining" the outcome of anything anymore. all i can do is the work.
life presents, as a good friend said so well yesterday, at least 10,000 opportunities a day to make a choice. those choices add up. a friendly gesture, the decision NOT to ride the bike in the thunderstorm, the decision TO ride the bike in the thunderstorm. the choice to complain about every single freakin' thing (these people are exhausting). the choice to give a fin to a homeless person who probably would rather not have to sit on the ground unbathed for days hungry, maybe drunk (i know i would be) wailing for some change.
some say this-
"why should i give him anything? all he will do is buy liquor."
those who say that to me are ass-hats. when you give, it's gone. none of your damn business what happens to that sawbuck.
(i love the old american money slang)
of course there's the choice of what we put inside of our bodies. the choice to change our lives when we are unhappy.
there's the rub. are we REALLY supposed to be happy?
many of us are chasing that. can't help it. it's like chocolate. feeling good is what the big goal is.
but is it really? i mean, i learn FAR more & change for the better FAR more when "bad" things happen. when i am angry & own it. when i am heartbroken. pissed off. confused.
chasing happiness leads to despair. i'm pretty convinced of this. meditation has taught me to learn to ride the middle path.
try not to revel in too much joy & happiness
try not to wallow in too much despair
just notice these things & be neutral. the ups & downs are SO jarring on the mind. which affect the body.
sounds like a good idea in theory. but just TRY to put it into practice.
i dare you.