Wednesday, June 23, 2010

10,000 opportunities

so much to reflect on lately. much of it has to do with how i feel about myself as a person, & how it reflects how i feel about other people. my entire life i've been shy, sometimes fearful of people. i experienced anxiety in crowds of more than 3. this continues to happen, although i've actually been working on my social skills a little bit more lately. now that i'm middle aged i realize that change does not just knock on your door. you have to meet it half way. i also have a strong belief that

god helps those who help themselves.

the reason i believe this is because every time i have made a conscious decision to do something, do the work & work my ass off, god has met me half way & helped me out. the place i end up often is not the "goal." sometimes it's SO much greater than i could have ever imagined. sometimes it's SO much worse than i could have ever imagined.

i'm trying to stop "imagining" the outcome of anything anymore. all i can do is the work.

life presents, as a good friend said so well yesterday, at least 10,000 opportunities a day to make a choice. those choices add up. a friendly gesture, the decision NOT to ride the bike in the thunderstorm, the decision TO ride the bike in the thunderstorm. the choice to complain about every single freakin' thing (these people are exhausting). the choice to give a fin to a homeless person who probably would rather not have to sit on the ground unbathed for days hungry, maybe drunk (i know i would be) wailing for some change.
some say this-

"why should i give him anything? all he will do is buy liquor."

those who say that to me are ass-hats. when you give, it's gone. none of your damn business what happens to that sawbuck.
(i love the old american money slang)
of course there's the choice of what we put inside of our bodies. the choice to change our lives when we are unhappy.

there's the rub. are we REALLY supposed to be happy?

many of us are chasing that. can't help it. it's like chocolate. feeling good is what the big goal is.

but is it really? i mean, i learn FAR more & change for the better FAR more when "bad" things happen. when i am angry & own it. when i am heartbroken. pissed off. confused.

and devistated.

chasing happiness leads to despair. i'm pretty convinced of this. meditation has taught me to learn to ride the middle path.

try not to revel in too much joy & happiness
try not to wallow in too much despair
just notice these things & be neutral. the ups & downs are SO jarring on the mind. which affect the body.

sounds like a good idea in theory. but just TRY to put it into practice.

i dare you.


Caroline said...

i love this post. as always what you write resonates and makes me think.

lately i've been wondering more about what is a dream and what is real. a childhood friend recently passed on, and i started having these intense feelings that all my life i've been missing the point, chasing what seemed real but was not. does that make sense?

i wonder if the heart really does see what the mind can not, so when we work hard, the universe puts everything in place what we actually need but don't understand. same with meditation and clearing the mind.

Caroline said...

oh, and i can relate to what you say about anxiety. i love people and being with people, but am an anxious person, probably from childhood trauma, but who knows, past life? anyhow, now i just accept it, but try not to let it bother me too much.

bindifry said...

hi caroline
lots of people have come forward admitting that they too have this anxiety issue. i can not shake it but am trying to at least stop running away (except in the case of the memorial for my friend recently-i simply needed to get the hell out of there when it was done)

i don't know a better way of dealing with all of these issues than meditation. not even yoga, because yoga is not stillness & often is misinterpreted. it can cloud your world rather than reveal it. meditation puts it into perspective.

i have been taught that yoga asana exists for one reason-so your body is strong & comfortable enough for sitting in meditation for long periods of time. i used to not listen to that. but since vipassana, i believe it's absolutely true.

at least for me that is why i do yoga asana. & don't need to keep putting my feet behind my head anymore cause i'm good in lotus for long enough-the back is in the PERFECT position when you can sit like that.

i do think when someone in your life passes on it causes one to re-think this entire "life" thing, you know?